Wildest Dreams

2008-03-13T15:02:00.001+08:00

CAROLINE HAS MOVED!

http://seventh-minute.blogspot.com

SEE YOU THERE!

2008-03-10T19:47:00.001+08:00

These days, I can't help but feel that God is hiding himself from me.

Or is it I who didn't seek?

2008-03-07T09:40:00.001+08:00

The relatives around me are making me feel uneasy.

2008-03-01T12:11:00.002+08:00

My stomach is throwing tantrums right now and I think it was induced by the 'Mee Sua' I had earlier on. Maybe you can't eat apple after you eat Mee Sua. Right now I'm drinking Milo hoping that it will make me feel better but instinct tells me that it's going to make it worse. Either way, this won't be the last you see or hear of me.

L: Change the World

Yesterday Sis had an impetuous urge to watch 'L: Change the World' and I obliged. The movie wasn't as good as it could be. Unnecessary gore and details, together with a weak plot made this a very very mediocore movie. I would say that it is rubbish if there's no L. If this movie is worth 3 stars, I bet 2.5 stars would be for Ken'ichi Matsuyama (L) and the 0.5 stars would go to the hot pink 'Angel Crepe' caravan.

I mean L, the soul of the Death Note series, has so much potential to film a MUCH MUCH better movie than this. On the whole, I am disappointed with 'L: Change the World' but it's worth the watch if you are fascinated with L (like I am). I still like the actual Death Note series better, the 2 guys battling their wits to see who gets the final victory...

After the exams ended, I have got so much time on my hand that I don't know how to spend it fruitfully. I bought a novel, a magazine & Kindaichi comics hoping that this would last me for at least longer than a week.

The money in the bank is running low and I'm trying to get a job. Called Kinokuniya and they said that they will contact me IF I'm short-listed. I've been praying that they'll call me cos' I really really need a job so I won't waste my holidays away.

Oh right. I still have GIG meeting to attend next wednesday. This is so ridiculous but I hope I would be able to work with the other 9 committee people. Soon, Caroline will go GREEN so please show your support. I always get myself in this sort of things.

Maybe I should contact Mr. Poh and see if he needs help for his research this holidays. I think I owed him 20 odd hours of research and he haven't called me. Okay okay, I guess I'll see him when I drop by the school next week.

Okay. That's all. Bye.

2008-02-26T14:44:00.002+08:00

"I am tired of taking pills to make me feel better."

"Were you afriad to tell your friends you were dating a fat girl?"

"Four years ago, when I was 12, my dad committed suicide. Everytime I yell at my mum, I am afraid I will cause her to do the same."

"One time, I was taking a bath, and I accidentally shit in the tub."

"This drink that is slowly killing me is the only think keeping me from killing myself."

"I make everyone believe that I like to be different, but really I just don't know how to fit in."

"I am a firefighter. I am afraid that the day might come when I'm not as brave as I'm supposed to be."

"I have been planning my husband's funeral for 24 years."

-adapted from PostSecret.com

Anonymous confessions of one's deepest secret.

Ain't I surprised to find bits and pieces of myself in people whom I don't know?

Yes, I am.

2008-02-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

Nobody can deny that he's a genius; whether in the movie or in reality.

2008-02-17T11:15:00.002+08:00

This is the Study Week and MBIO exam is on Friday.

Yet I have never felt as relaxed as it is now throughout the whole semester. The whole semester had been crazy, busy, emotion-rippling and tiring. I lost counts of the number of times I thought I couldn't finish assignments after assignments. The assignments had been like a wave, pushing you along with it until you reach the deadline. Sometimes, I'm amazed and impressed with my own ability to hold it out for four months, while other times I winced at the tottering pile of work and ridiculous deadlines to be met.

Obviously in my opinion, this is the toughest semester ever.

My bedtime has changed to 12 midnight, my sleep have been plagued with dreams every night and project work has taught me more humanity than I ever wanted to learn.

Perhaps a few years later, I would look back at this post and chuckle at how naive I was when I wrote it. Perhaps something worse lies in head of me when I enter university that will make this semester look like a harmless little lamb. But I guess I won't brood over it so much at this point in time.

This semester has finally become a chapter of history. It ended pretty well. It could have ended perfectly if I wasn't reprimanded by Mdm D. for frankly forgetting that I was in her lecture when I sms-ed right before her face. Well, she never fancies me anyway. In fact, I guess no teacher will like a student like me for arguing with them on a certain topic until they were speechless. But hello, I paid my school fees~

Okay, that's my fate as a student.

So, to sum it up, the semester had taught me the very essence about deadlines and time.

"Time will always expand when the deadline draws near."

Don't understand? Go figure.

Anyway, I reckoned that I deserved a two-day break before I start my MBIO revision. This is the only way I can compensate for my loss during the 4 months. Hahaha...

I'm just doing myself some justice. Lol.

God, please guide me through the decision I'd made. Give me strength, courage, and perseverance to cope with everything I do.

2008-02-14T17:01:00.002+08:00

It's Valentine's Day today and I'm so flattered that I've got two dates in total. My first date with AMIC lasted 5 hours and my second date with MCT will be starting as long as my heart tells me to. I bet the second date will last beyond midnight. Well, the point here is, I fancy none of them. When morning arrive, I will kick them out of my mind.

Anyway, because V Day was just around the corner, the main theme for I-weekly this week was LOVE. Like duh... There's this little table where the reporters listed how the idea of love had evolved through the ages. I think its interesting but sadly, I think its true also. Let me summarise the evolutionary theory...

Love at First Sight
In the older days, your other half is most probably introduced by your aunties or matchmakers. Or your other half is actually your childhood sweetheart. Now, in the modern days, you meet your boy/girlfriends through online chats, at the pubs or in the office.

Gifts, Anybody?
In the past, gifts showered on girls by their boyfriends are love letters (not the edible type), soft toys and roses. Now? LV, Cartier, Tiffany, Gucci etc.

Out at Dates
Couples in the past spend their date walking, hand in hand, along a moonlit shore, watching movies etc (I think this is sweet!). As for modern couples, they go drinking in pubs, Karaoke-ing and then off to the hotel room~

Communication Skills
Couples in the past communicate via letters, slips of paper or a love song. Couplesnowadays communicate via msn, sms, email, blog, facebook...

Duration of the Relationship
Past: 5 years, 10 years, a lifetime (wow)
Now: A night, 3 months, 1 year

So? True or False, you decide.

Actually there are two more parts which I have difficulty translating. The two parts are sweet (for the olden days) and incredibly funny (for the modern days).

Anyway, I think its very cool if the first lover you have, is the person you love the most and at the same time, is the person who will spend a lifetime with you. You know, no beating around the bush, like you're lucky enough to win TOTO on the first buy. So rare yet beautiful.

That time I saw this old couple, well into their nineties I guess, on the way home. The granny, who had difficulty in walking, held onto the elbow of the grandpa. The grandpa deliberately slowed down his pace to that of his wife, so that they could walk together. Neither of them talked, but the silence spoke volumes. The love was there, silent but unbreakable.

Isn't this better than public display of affections by young couples nowadays? Isn't this more promising that the raucous declaration of love and promises?

In my context, that's how I think love should be - silent, strong and eternal. It's really hard to come by and even if this kind of love really comes, most people are too caught up with their lives to notice it. And then, it is gone by the time you realise it.

As for me, I'll wait. =)

Before I go, I present one of the greatest BIBLE verse.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13: 3-8

BYE BYE!

2008-02-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

I'm turning 19 this year.

I just turned 18 about 2 months ago.

I had left Chong Zheng for 7 years.

I had left Dunman for 2+ years.

No wonder I felt so detached from those secondary school's life; let alone the primary school's.

I have known Yiting for 8 years.

I have known Melissa for 6 years.

I have known Peiquan and Huiying for 5 years.

And the years are still counting.

Wow.

I feel kind of old now.

You know you're old when:

1. You start taking neoprints with your mother and sister instead of your friends.

2. You have no idea how those complicated neoprint machines work.

3. You stop giving a peace sign, pouting, acting cute when you're taking photos. (Well, I never did that when I was younger either.)

4. You no longer wear a uniform.

5. Euu stoppedd WrYtiNg LyK dis. ii hav No IdEA how PpL taHan dIS way Of TyPiNg OR reADiing. (Phew, that is damn tiring. Yes, I never did this kind of internet language when I was younger.)

6. You stop visiting websites like www.barbie.com, www.lovecalculator.com etc.

7. You stop attending TAF sessions when you're still overweight. Becos, you have practically outgrown the age limit for TAF clubs.

8. No adults are going to give it a damn whether you brought a handphone to school.

9. You begin to look and study people at a deeper level, measuring their capacity to be your friends.

10. You start to get more adept at mixing around with people and speaking the words they want to hear. (That was the case for me.)

All right.

I admit I'm old.

2008-01-31T16:34:00.001+08:00

If I had been a better student, I would be in LT22 at this moment learning how to analyse financial reports. Today is the last BFA lecture and it is going to last for 2 hours. The 'good' student in me wanted to attend but since neither Gracecia nor Juan wanted to go, I decided to skip it too. Doesn't hurt being rebellious once in a while...

Today is the best THURSDAY throughout the whole semester. I had no lesson, just a group meeting which turned out to be pretty fruitful and hilarious (Matthew and Xavier were the source of the jokes), a meet-up with Mr Lim (he reminds me of someone who reminds me of rudolph) and food with a couple of people. Thursdays were never as relaxing as this.

However, I reckoned I shouldn't have gone to Mac at 11.15 a.m. in order to satisfy my sudden craving for beef patties (yet I ordered McSpicy in the end). My meeting was at 12 so I gave up eating when it was 11.45 on my phone. In the end, I only wasted a portion of McSpicy, which really did live up to its name. I packed the twister fries, which was later finished by Peng Ghee, Wilson and Japheth (ate the most). Good, cos' one thing I hate is wasting food.

And I think I have been irritating Peng Ghee these few days. I can't help but taunt him about his love saga with Apple and Mango (don't get too serious people) and his unexpected cum jaw-dropping O'levels results. I still can't get over the fact that his english grade was the same as mine. Okay okay, I'm joking haha...

I keep having butterflies in my stomach these few days, especially when I fantasise or think about something I dread. My stomach is churning and I have no idea why. I have this intuition that something both good and bad is about to happen. The point is, I feel that God is part of this 'thing' that is going to happen. Maybe its the after-effect of reading 'A Purpose-Driven Life' by Rick Warren. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I have been praying and praying recently, especially when I feel discouraged by events that suggest remotely about humanity. This world we're living in could do with more love. If people show some understanding towards their counterparts, there would be less wars and more harmony. This is a major realisation I'd made just 5 minutes ago, when I opened a grotesque mail sent by aunt.

That's when I know I have to let go of all the resentment that I have been feeling these days. Difficult but it doesn't harm to try. I will try to be at peace with everybody and everyone. LOL.

Okay, I got to run. MBIO practical test is on tomorrow!

The moment was too fleeting for me to be certain that it exists. Yet I hope that it wasn't my hallucination...

2008-01-29T21:18:00.000+08:00

Joseph has only been with us for 5 months, but I have like hundred things about him that I can share with people. Everyday there's something about him that's comical. You know he's cute even though he just stands there quietly and look at us do our daily stuff. He has got 'Ba Zi Mei' and it is an essential contributing to his cuteness.

I realise I can go on talking and talking about him when I met up with Melissa this evening. I miss her so much. She's excited to see me and vice versa. Hah. The only thing I had a major problem with is her height. Imagine me going out with LHY and her in the future.

170++, 164, 175 cm respectively.

I'm the 164cm one. This is called the inferiority complex.

Anyway I'm still beyond happy to see her. =) Cool. But 4 hours just aren't enough for us to fill up the gap that was created when we hadn't meet each others for months.

Alright. Majority of ABCHM and BFA is almost done! ABCHM is getting too heavy for me to bear for another minute. I reckoned the interview hasn't went as well as I would like it to. My answers were sort of incoherent and in a jumbled mess. Oh well, the damage is done. Let me brood over it for another while before I let it off.

Now, the next big thing is...

SPRING CLEANING 2008.

Get the ear plugs ready. My mum's going to nag anytime soon.

And she's really good at nagging nowadays.

On the whole: I'm a HAPPY girl today. (^^,)

2008-01-25T18:17:00.000+08:00

I wish I could be the happy, selfless, and plump that I was during the Dunman days. I miss the friends back then despite the occasional mudslinging. Life was still good back then and the only thing I really need to worry about was the TAF club sessions.

Back then in Dunman, I never associated much, I mean on the emotionally close level, with majority of my classmates. That was why I never disliked anybody in school on a permanent basis, except for this short guy in my class who kept making sarcastic comments about my size. I didn't let it bug me much bccause I know he was just jealous that I scored better than him for most of the subjects.

When I got to poly, things began spiralling out of my control. On the first day of orientation, I don't understand why but I was irked by the display of superficial affections my classmates showed each other. I didn't give it much thought then. The more I interacted with my classmates, the nearer I got to their true colors. The more they show their real personality, the more I grow to dislike them. So I stayed away from those 'blacklisted' people and was still happy. In a way, I didn't want my dislike for them to extend into something that would in turn suffocate me.

The bad thing about this whole thing is, I didn't know that I could grow to dislike people I thought I could tolerate. I couldn't stand being in the same place as people I don't like but circumstances in poly are forcing me to do so. I hate the friendly mask I've begun to wear in front of such people and I tried erecting a barrier to keep these people out, without letting those negativity shows. It was the hardest thing on earth. You can't expect me to act friendly with someone and talk behind their back, it's too fake for me. I never was friendly with most of the people and it takes alot for me to truly accept someone as a friend.

See? I never knew I was such a difficult person to be with before I came to TP.

Talk about self-realization and such.

I expected too much from people around me, thinking that I can get something as long as I give. That was when I'm still the naive Caroline. Now, I don't have much expectations for anybody. I give, give and give, without really expecting to get something in return. Giving is tiring, but because of who I am, I can only give more than what I can get.

Even when it gets really unfair. Even when nobody appreciates. Even when nobody see how tired I am getting.

They think I can keep on giving. But please, who's going to perform the act of giving for me?

I'm getting selfish and I am still trying to psyched myself into believing that helping others is an act of virtue. But what about those people who aren't worth helping?

Mum always say: "做人最重要就是要问心无愧。"

I trying to convince myself that as long as I did nothing wrong, I'll be okay. And someone always say that it's always better to give more than you take, but he didn't say that how tired it will be.

God, please send some guidance and comfort. Your daughter on earth really needs it.

已经真的倦了啊。

='(

2008-01-20T13:11:00.000+08:00

For the first time in weeks, I'm feeling pleased with myself.

And now I think I can gracefully embrace what's waiting for me in week starting 28th Jan.

It's all about discipline.

2008-01-19T18:55:00.000+08:00

If you think that the content below will adversly affect you, please don't read. It's my thoughts about group work.

Occasionally, the thought of handing in a mediocore assignment had crossed my mind when the stress meter is blinking insidiously in red. I'm sure most of my group members wouldn't mind, but in the end, it was me who minded.

This was the case for ABCHM presentation.

The same applies for AMIC and CSAS3 report.

And a list of other minor group projects and individual assignments.

I put in effort for every single task assigned to us. I could do those individual assignments without much qualms. It was those group work that I had encountered difficulties. I'm not good at group dynamics but still, I always try my best to cooperate and tolerate. I won't deny that I'm a difficult person to work with because of all those expectations I set.

People who had worked with me frequently would know what I mean.

It's difficult to reject your group members' work but when I do, I always supply them with reasons why their part wasn't being accepted. It's like why do it when the effort is not there?

I know I know, most of the times the results are not proportionate to the effort. I used to the unfairness. You teach somebody something and they score higher than you; I'm okay with it. You do 70% of the work but everyone else score the same as you, I'm okay with it too. I'm okay with pretty much everything as long as my groupmates show a certain degree of esteem in their work.

I'm not okay with group members who are free-loaders. I'm not okay with people who crawl to you when they need help and turn away when their needs are met. I'm not okay with sloppy work. And I'm not okay with people using me and vice versa.

Once I had voiced all these things I felt unfair to a friend and what he said really affected me a lot.

"It doesn't matter that the person you taught scored higher than you. The whole thing is about yourself isn't it? Anyway, I'm sure people still think and know that you are the best."

Yeah right. He's right.

God gives you a gift so you can use your gift to help others, not to become selfish.

True.

That's why I can live with all those unfairness in life.

Haha...

2008-01-13T20:39:00.000+08:00

And I wonder how much longer can I hang on to this self-denial...

2008-01-09T19:06:00.000+08:00

I just realised it is time to blog when there's too much I want to express using MSN nick and personal message. All these bottled thoughts and emotions are bursting at the seams and before my insanity crumbles, I HAVE to blog.

These days I felt myself so detached from the world. I'm physically there, peaceful and all but the inner part of me is constantly engaged in a battle that's happening in my mind. I have too many thoughts; I'm a thinker by nature and I highly suspect that my brain doesn't stop functioning even when I'm sleeping. This explains the dark undercircles.

I keep trying to weave a reason for everything and anything that is taking place around me. Why do humans keep hurting their fellow species? Why is life sometimes beyond what 'unfair' can describe? How do they wear a friendly mask before those people they don't like? How simple is Joseph's life when it only revolves around food, toys and family? These questions are like a circle. I think, only to find myself back at the starting point again. Grudgingly, I have to come to terms with the answers I seek but not found.

Somehow, I thought I had more or less grasp the concept of the third question. And I'm hating it and the person it is making me become. So pissed at myself. And I suspect that I have a spilt personality. Two very much different person in school and at home. I'm so easily affected by the environment I'm in.

OKAY. It's already 9 days since it's 2008. I haven't make any resolutions or wishes for this year. I'll make a list soon. My major wish for this year is to have 36 hours a day and the extra 12 hours will be used for sleeping. See, I told you NY wishes don't come true. Hahahaha... My reasonable wish is for my father to be well, healthy and fatter soon. I think this one will come true. And then my resolution is to lose weight (this has been the No. 1 priority ever since YEARS and YEARS ago). Another resolution of mine is to find a part-time job, chip into my family finances every month and be financially independent (already done). The third most important resolution is to be a nicer and friendlier person. I dount I can do this. The closer I am to someone, the less friendly I become. Weird but true.

Okay, there's so much more to write but I have to stop. AMIC is screaming for my immediate attention.

Oh, before I go, I think Joseph should be called 'Loafy' instead. He looks almost like a big loaf of bread (color, size but minus his body odour) and I think he's getting overweight for a Miniature Pinscher breed. Okay scratch that; he's no longer miniature.

2007-12-31T20:50:00.000+08:00

No matter what happens, I promised myself that I'm going to blog before 2007 walks into history in another 3 hours. Wow, I can't believe that 2008 is coming so soon. It seems only yesterday when I was summarising the events of 2006. And so, I'm going to do the same for 2007 too.

TWO-O-O-SEVEN
Okay this year has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, with all those up and downs, valleys and peaks. I couldn't remember much about what happen during January but when February came, my whole family (including my aunties and grandma) faced the worst crisis following the unexpected demise of my uncle. Luckily time has proven its ability to heal and much of the things have fallen back to their places during the 3rd quarter of the year.

And also Mai left TP in pursuit of arts. It's really a comfort to know that she's doing okay. She's a lot happier there, from what I can see.

In March, I worked at Lehman Brothers for five weeks, earning a wholesome amount of $1,500. The office isn't too bad, save for the fact that certain people there were snobbish. I'm still appalled by how much those people holding a high post earn a year. Mind you, I'm talking about 6 to 7 digits annual pay.

I also became Yiting's Maths Tuition teacher. Hah~

And at the end of April, Year 2 Sem 1 at TP kicked start and Gracecia, Aili, Wilson and Peng Ghee got into the same class as me. What ensued was a whole lot of jokes and fun amidst project work, so much better than the current semester. Was in the same class as Nicholas again after approximately six years and haha, what a coincidence. FYI, we came from CZPS 5/6-4 when we were in P6.

May to August was school and I couldn't remember much of the details. There were conflicts between me and Mdm D. but then its okay because everything is fine now. There was this human-shaped pathway we did for Biochemistry 2 and CSAS report and so on and so forth.

When August neared the end, Joseph joined the family as a 'shy' puppy. Months have passed and he's showing his true colors and hyperactive nature. Alright, he's barking at some stranger at the staircase again.

September came and oh, the significance of holidays. I remembered the class chalet where I played Mahjong from night till dawn, forgoing sleep. Academic results came and it was the most satisfying thus far. Joined DRP where I had to work with Juan's husband and DRP turned out boring until the mice came.

I GOT A PSP TOO. =)

During October, I went Genting. Details on the october post. Class got changed again and it was farewell to Wilson and Aili. How I wished certain things don't change. Then the whole Biomolecular Science cohort got exposed to PBL, where everybody starts to complain about its difficulty. Then Amic came and within the first week, there was group meetings and such.

November was a difficult month where everyone tried to get things done. The PBL presentation went well and our group really did score. Then there was also CCN day where we sold fishes. It wasn't that bad really. Hah.

December spelled term-tests, term-break, AMIC benchwork, X'mas party and some other insignificant stuff. Oh yah (how can I forget), I turned 18 on the 8th. Haven't done any legal stuff such as buying liquor, cigarettes, TOTO/4D or watching a M18 movie.

And so that's my 2007.

Where I need to force myself to withstand irritating people. Where I truly know the significance of team work. Where my doubts towards anything and everything increase dramatically. Where I start wondering the meaning of true friends. Where I start to inspect myself for any bits of personality and/or habits that irritate others. Where I realised some humans have a motive behind every of their actions. Where I wonder about my capacity as a friend. Where I get irritated and disgusted by what people did to hurt others. Where the walls I erected around myself got higher and tougher. Where I stop trusting most of the people.

The last part turns out to be negative, isn't it?

All right, that's all.

I think I shall continue my AMIC discussion next year.

2007-12-20T17:10:00.000+08:00

My mood has been at the pits since yesterday's morning.

Depressed.

Disappointed.

But not angry despite what I may had said.

-I didn't just gram-stain the E.coli but also my lab coat. Mum's good, she managed to bleach the stain till its barely visible.

-There are too many glitches in the AMIC project and it makes me worry for the report. I just hope that nothing major goes wrong from now, even though I have a hunch that it will.

-School is getting complicated, emotion-wise. My social circle widens but the number of people I could trust as friends diminishes. It's bad. I miss my old friends so much that I wanna cry.

-Shortness of breath and tightness in the chest is a bad omen. It's a sign that tells me that I'm more than depressed.

-Certain situations are telling me that I'm not being a good enough family member. I ought to pay my granny a visit soon. Haven't even brought her to Sakae Sushi like I had promised months ago.

- The inferiority complex is kicking in.

-I'm discouraged at how easy things change with the environment. What's heartwarming in the past is now cold to touch. What was beautiful had become ugly. I don't even know if it exist anymore. No one has the courage to bring it up. I guess it's officially gone.

-I reckoned that I need a boyfriend but the right one hasn't enter my life yet. Maybe I have been too careful with my feelings. No, I'm not living in the past.

-Class X'mas party is coming. It's supposed to be a joyous occasion. Yet I'm not looking forward to it. Haven't even buy the present.

~*~

Happy stuffs that happened today:
Fish & Co.*Beautiful pictures*Window Shopping*Delifrance Dessert*Mystery of the Dangling Toilet Paper*Case of the Forgotten Lettuce

All with Mum & Sis.

Afterall, Family is of paramount importance.

(^^)

如果你不说, 我永远都不会知道. 也做不出任何回应.

2007-12-07T18:09:00.000+08:00

This is going to be really random and mundane. I'm blogging for the sake of blogging.

It has been almost a month since I last updated my land and whoa, cobwebs are lining all the corners and the dust are building up. Luckily there are no eight-legged freals or dust mites for all that matter.

The past few weeks were a mad rush for presentations and deadlines. Phew, all is TEMPORARILY coming to a standstill. I thought I'm different after all these, perhaps mentally stronger or healthier. Have begun to like some of my classmates when I had previously thought that I'm not going to accept them because of first impressions. Yes, the Homosapiens are more or less first-impression-matters dunces. I'm just one of them.

I guess I'm trying to blind and numb myself to certain things that are happening around me. I'm also trying to curb my growing dislike for certain things and certain people because its bad for my health. Those days before are in past tense and no matter how much I pray, time is not going to reverse for my sake. I don't really like the present tense.

The lecturers are okay and this isn't the first time I declare it but my favorite lecturer is still Kok. He's the shining mascot of peace, tranquility and well, sometimes boredom. By the way, I highly suspect that Dr. Jason Chang memorises our face and names through the register book. That sounds crazy but it looks exactly like what he would do. I don't even have a tut/lab under him and he knows my name. That explains why I couldn't really react when he called me during lecture just now. I shrugged, only to turn and meet Gracecia's death glare.

Chatted with AhLi, Gracecia and Faiz over a couple of seaweed chicken, hashbrowns and jemput pisangs after lesson ended. It had been really the females who did most of the talking. Gracecia said that it's weird if I'm friendly; as in if I'm outwardly passionate about making friends with people. I thought it was true. Outgoing, loud and squeamishness don't fit me AT ALL. I would puke and let all my goosebumps stand if I squeal on a constant basis. The thought of it is making my stomach churn.

I'd decided that I shan't slack today and that I will sleep late just to get a tad of my revision done. See, that's how a procrastinator like me survives when term-test period arrives. My sleeping time decreases but my weight will increase.

I hate irritating people, especially during lectures. People aren't going to think that you know nothing even if you don't speak up.

Okay. That's about a hundredth of what happen during the past month when I wasn't updating.

By the way, today's my last day of being 17. So, please wish me a happy b'dae tomorrow. It's compulsory.

And I'm dead serious.

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Really.

2007-11-11T21:08:00.000+08:00

- I don't know why but I'm actually worried about medium contamination for MCT. I've always been bugged by contamination problems since the PCT days. I shall pray and pray hard that our medium is not contaminated in anyway. The outcome will be revealed tomorrow.

- Shh... I think I'm abnormal. MCT is my most hated subject now, because it's basically my most hated subject at this moment. And don't tell anybody that I like ABCHM, probably because I don't have to see much of the teacher. But I miss Mr. Kok and his lankiness.

- I'm getting adapted to my new class and I had begin to accept my AMIC group members. They are pretty fine and funny people. Okay, God really did bless me. Still, I miss Aili and Wilson. Something feels amiss without them for practicals/tutorials/group work. Talk about braving through one sem together.

- It's still beyond me as to how guys can be THAT annoying. I wish I could see 'beauty' in everything but how do you appreciate boys (your age) when nearly half of them (who had crossed your path) still plays catching and still have the nasty habit of name-calling. It's times like these where I'm grateful that I'm single. It's also times like these where I realised I haven't hold on tight enough until it's gone.

- I'm like the thorns on the rose, not the rose itself. The harder you try grabbing, the harder you'll bleed.

- I need peace and tranquility. Where's the door to the secret garden?

2007-10-28T20:56:00.000+08:00

Today is the last day of tuition with Yiting. Time really flies; it seemed only yesterday when she rang me up wanting my help in maths. I'm going to miss those tuition sessions with her and how we always got carried away with talking. That's what you get for putting us together.

She really is a special kind of friend and how long have we known each other? Probably 9 years or so. This friendship is still ongoing and I feel blessed and really fortunate to know her. She's the one of the few friends I have who always understand. You know, it takes more than a miracle to meet somebody and become besties with them.

To me, a sturdy friendship isn't built on gossips or secrets. It's built on trust. How do you think we managed to keep it going?

On Friday, she showed me some quotes which I think she was referring to me. I didn't tell her about my insecurity yet she knows. She knows that I'm over-protective of myself; that core of my heart is out-of-bounds for anyone/everyone and that the indifference I always show reflect my fear of getting hurt.

Gosh... how often do you think you can meet someone like this?

I'm truly blessed. =)

2007-10-20T14:54:00.000+08:00

And so, I'm back from Genting. (^^,) Here's the evaluation of the trip:

Weather: Since I rarely went outdoors, I couldn't say much about this except that it had been really cold when I alighted at Genting at 4 plus in the morning. My insides were sort of bubbling with cold for approximately 30 minutes. Other than that, Genting's climate is cool but not cold; meaning it's way better than Singapore.

Lodging: The bed was good, the pillow was very good and the hair dryer was excellent. The only thing was that we had to wait till 1p.m. before we managed to get a room. So, what did we do before during the 9 hours wait? We slept uncomfortably in the first world hotel lobby and I THINK that my grandma talked throughout the 9 hours.

Food: Nothing much to say but I'm very well-fed. The pizzas there were very cheap, only S$6 per person and we couldn't finish it. Oh, and I meant pizzas from Pizza Hut. The dim sum there was very very delectable. Too bad there's no takeaway. Oh gosh, I'd put on weight again but what's the purpose of going on a trip if we restrict ourselves on our diet? Haha~

Shopping: Bought stuff at a much-cheaper-than-Singapore's price. Love it. It's worth it just to go there to shop. No joke. There's a hole in my pocket now.

Overall: Well, I did enjoy the trip so my complaints are minimal. =)

-*-

School's reopening again and I got into the same class as LPG and Gracecia. That makes us classmates for two years and that's like WOAH~ I think I'm going to be stuck with either or both of them till I graduate... Haha... no pun intended. And guess what Gracecia even got into the same class as me for CDS... lol... you simply can't escape God's plan. Hahaha~

Sad, not going to be in the same class as Aili. Weird. And Aili, if you're reading this, I just wanna say 'Don't worry, you're going to be fine.' We'll have lunch together whenever we can yah... I'll still help you with stuff you don't know. So basically, nothing really changes. At least Faiz is with you. What doesn't kill you only make you stronger.=)

Timetable for next semester is very packed - that's what I think. What's going to happen to all my writings? Sian. There's no running away from Paul or Nie Nie this sem so what's going to happen to me? I don't know. Just gotta embrace the things I can't change. Hah!

I guess I will be just fine. Like as always. (^^)

2007-10-03T16:53:00.000+08:00

I took an unintentional glance at the calendar and realised, much to my shock and dismay, that it's already October. I'm still living in September. Oh wait. I'm not so sure about the 'living' part. Without school, I felt blissfully detached from the hustle and bustle around me, which included forgetting actual days and dates. The relatively long stroll at the Mall just now confirmed that. I was engrossed in my own head that I don't even know what took place around me. It's not that I mind.

So... 3 quarters of the year 2007 belongs to history now. It felt pathethically short yet undeniably long.

Uncle had left for 8 months but the ache still bugs me like a fresh wound. I can still remember the bits and pieces that happened in the hospital; how my grandmother collapsed onto the ground when her son was forcedly wheeled into the OT, how my mum had went berserk when it was beyond her capabilities to stop the police from blocking the way that leads to her brother, how the policemen had scoffed at us even when we were the one that're going to grieve.

And I can't forget the way we stood at his bedside trying every mean to make him open his eyes, the way we begged for time and the way my sister took out her anger and anguish at every object that was within her reach. I can't forget how I tried to remain calm, despite the overwhelming surge of agony, in order to hold my mother back; how I had composed myself such that I could cope with the test on next morning and how I had coax my brain to believe that nothing had happened so I could behave normally in school.

I could see all of above in my head, like a movie. If you think that you're 'suffering', then stop, think again.

Didn't tell my woes to most. Kept most people in the dark at the situation I was going through 8 months back so that they wouldn't ask. Realised that I'm pretending all along when it dawned on me that we've really lost him, that I hadn't accepted his death. Had to pick myself up all over again.

8 months are short, but it's long enough to make me realise that I'd to move on.

Why can't others do the same?

2007-09-22T19:58:00.000+08:00

Mindless Ramblings

There's always this period of time where words fail you and you can't jot anything down in your journal. I guess mine happened since 3rd September. Too much things to say to the point that you can't get your thoughts out. I hate leaving my blog to collect dust but what can I do?

I've got a love-hate relationship with holidays and it's actually more of the latter. It seems that the academic stress I'd faced during the semester were always replaced by family pressure when it comes to the holidays. Always. I don't like how tears seem to come so easily to me these few days. But still, I'm strong and so the tears don't fall.

I don't wanna stay; but I can't leave either.

Friend has sent me an sms to encouraged me the other day. The message made happiness seem so simple and worries so trivial. If that's the case in life, it will be good. However, life isn't. I kept stumbling and falling and picking myself up all over again - the cycle of growth. Life isn't perfect and my relationship with God isn't too.

It's so easy to miss out God in the presence of worldly desires, moments of exhilaration and times of trials. Truth be told, I couldn't feel Him for the past few weeks but I was aghast by the fact that I didn't bother to seek Him. And so yesterday, when I got so overwhelmed by troubles, I prayed to him, sincerely and humbly. I hope he answers my prayers because half of it wasn't about me.

Research starts on monday and I'm dreading it. I can't get used to working with my partner. I guess we are on different wavelength personality wise. Since it's something I can't change, I shall accept and make the best out of it then.

And I thought I hate snide and subtle remarks from others. Caroline is snide sometimes (or a lot of times) but she doesn't play with her words to make her comments seem less outright. For me, my remarks are often blunt and to-the-point. I can't stand beating around the bush. Those who really can stand me are my good friends who understand. Since most don't understand, my best friends are limited but I don't mind.

Okay. That's all. Period.

2007-09-03T14:15:00.000+08:00

Right. I've been missing from the blogosphere for nearly a month, no, for a month to be exact. Life has its way or introducing valleys and peaks for me. Well, I ain't doing nothing for the past month. I was slogging my guts out to meet the deadlines and preparing for exams. Oh well, I'm going to summarised all that shit, whether heavenly or not, in paragraphs.

- I'm finally got myself out of the cage that has got 'EXAMS' pasted all over it. The study week was bad but the exams were hellish. I went to bed dreaming about my notes and I couldn't get enough sleep at all. As a result, my eyes became deformed but well, everything is over. =) What wouldn't kill you only make you stronger. Hahaha... Exams wouldn't kill me but it definitely made me sleepier.

- I fell in love with Tony Buzan and his way with Human Mind. He's amazing. For more information, search on him using Yahoo =). The clue I'm giving here is: Mind Maps.

- Sis got herself a crazy, hyperactive and still crazy 3 months old puppy when I was still preparing for exams, particularly MGEN. It's a miniature pinscher and his shit stinks like nobody business. Mind you, he resides in the kitchen and I can smell his shit in the living room and toilet. Is his digestive system that good or what? I just changed his newspaper and he peed again. Oh man, what has Sis gotten the whole family into? PS: Mum introduced the cane to Joseph yesterday and he had an idea of what a cane does now.

- My current status: Hiatus. Holidays never seem so sweet I tell you. So much to do during the holidays so yeah, I'm going to enjoy it this time round. Muahahahaha~

OKay, more stuff happened but I forgot most of them. Anyway, last friday was Juan's birthday so 12 people went seoul garden and 4 came out diagnosed with hypertension due to inadequate and uncontrolled consumption of prawn heads. No names here but the hypertensive patients should know who they are.

Aili and I bought a ridiculous transformer with a watermelon color combination for Juan Koh. It's not the real present yet but an appetizer. We reckoned that a normal looking transformer wouldn't suit her so we bought that. Hahahaha~~

Gracecia got a really ugly photo of me posted up on her blog. It was taken during MGEN where the teacher (cough) was droning on and on about conjugation. No wonder no wonder...

Gotta catch up with friends soon~ Particularly MAImelissaLHYhuiwenSPQ. Miss them much. Hee Hee.

2007-08-03T21:15:00.000+08:00

Question 1:

CASE SCENARIO I

You are a student in Mdm D class and though you weren't exactly interested in what she says, you still pay attention all the same. You weren't particularly diligent in this subject but when encountering abstract concepts, you will try all means and ask her. In your opinion, despite her pronounciation flaws, she's not too bad a teacher. You are not the pet in her class but you aren't notorious either so you thought you are quite safe. However, on a clear fine morning after lecture, your ex-classmates reveal to you that Mdm D had went to Mr C, your form teacher, complaining that you aren't interested in her class. Now half the people knows that you aren't focussing for that subject and you are totally nonplussed.

CASE SCENARIO II

After the previous episode, you decided that you shall SHOW her that you are paying attention. You simply attributed the accuse Mdm D had pinned on you to how you were born like. You forgive her for she can't understand that a student can be listening even though his/her face looks to be in a dream or in short, sian. And then you try to perform well in the subject so that you can get the A you want even though it was a subject that failers extended infinitely. One day, during tutorial, she came in waving a list in her hand announcing that it contained the names of those who had marginally passed the CA. After tutorial, you waited along with your friends who wanted to confirm that they had passed the CA. When the rest of the class had emptied the room, your friends approached her and you (jolly well knew that you had passed the CA) decided to be autistic for once and so, you busied yourself with the whiteboard that was conveniently near. Suddenly, your name was mentioned and you turn to hear the teacher say that your friend had scored better than you for the lecture quiz. You feel totally fine with it and other than giving a surprised look (which you're expected to), you said nothing and returned to the doodling. Three days later, you heard from your friends in other class that Mdm D had mentioned your name. To your aghast, she said that your reaction was "Really arh?!" when she said that someone on the list had scored better than you. Unfortunately you are on the DHL and trouble comes knocking no matter how hard you'd tried to stay away from the limelight. And now a dozen of dunces is going to walk off thinking that you are those 'kiasu' type that can't stand being the 2nd best. Then you think: There are so many others on the DHL but why are you the one that was pinpointed specifically by Mdm D in a situation that was apparently none of your business.

(a) State 3 reasons why 'you' find yourself in such a situation.

1. I was just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
2. I have a quality in me that she can't see eye to eye with.
3. She couldn't come to terms with the fact that I'm a DHL student (as in how can a slacker be good academic-wise).

(b) Suggest 3 solutions to get yourself out of this situation.

1. Confront Mdm D and request her to clear the misunderstanding. (Tempting as much as it's risky)
2. Approach Mr. C and tell him about this and what you're trying to do. (You're going to work on how not to sound like you're whining)
3. Let this matter go. (And I'm going to feel terrible for weeks)

(c) In your opinion, do you think this is a serious problem?

No. It's a problem but not considered 'serious'. However, this problem is going to be a hate factor that's going to nurture if not eliminated.

-End of Paper-

2007-08-02T18:49:00.000+08:00

Mirror Then, Mirror Now

I couldn't count the number of times I had been disappointed by members of my own species.

I guess it's just like a perfect and shiny mirror at first, where you can see your reflection so clearly and the world reflected off it was pretty without lies. However, when the first disappointment hits, a crack forms at the edge, chipping a part of the mirror. It's okay too, the mirror is still pretty even though there's a flaw now. And then when the second disappointment lands like a rock upon the shiny surface, another corner of your not-so-perfect mirror gets broken. You make a decision then, promising that someday someone will come fix it for you.

We all know things aren't always perfect and before that 'someone' comes along, the third object comes about and unlike the others, it made a big fracture right in the middle of the surface, marking its arrival along with some scratches on areas that are still intact. Again and again, setbacks and failures appear one by one on your mirror before that 'someone' appeared.

Along the way, you finally realised that your mirror has become so broken that no one can fix it. Yes, you can still see your own reflection in the badly scarred mirror but it's no longer the same as once before. You can also see the world through the mirror but what remains is the cracked perspective of the outside world.

And so, you know the mirror is no longer perfect and you decided that you can do without it. You wrapped the mirror with yellowish newspaper and with one swift movement, you swung it down the rubbish chute. A muffled thud resonates a few seconds later and satisfied, you thought you have gotten rid of that lousy mirror for good. You thought you could lead a new life with a brand new and better mirror.

Just as you contemplate on which new mirror to get, a nagging pain on your arm demanded your attention. To your shock, you see a gash on your arm, small but deep enough to leave a scar. It reminded you of the mirror. If it isn't enough, it also reminded you of those nasty objects that had hit it.

Eventually, the wound heal but the scar remains. One look at the scar and you think off those disappointments that had never really left your memory. They didn't just hurt your skin but they emblazoned themselves into your soul. And you know your trust for people that are the stem of these are halved.

And now, how many scars do you think you have up till this moment?

The persisting kind of scar is those emotional hurt people had inflicted on you.

2007-08-02T14:00:00.000+08:00

I think the time has come to give myself AND others a break.

2007-07-13T21:32:00.000+08:00

Mai said in her blog that she wanna go BACKPACKING around the world. I want to go on such a journey too. If I really go backpacking, I will choose countries that are exotic like Egypt or Africa as I'm seriously in need to embark on a journey of self-discovery. No joke.

So MAI, please ask me along~

.*.

Recently, my nights are plaqued with dreams and I am never really asleep these few days. The brain must be overworking, conjuring images even when I'm asleep. I hate frequent dreams, as they divided the attention I require for my sleep. I have been seriously deprived of sleep even though I slept at 8pm last night.

I tried driving the depression away with sleep but I failed when I woke up feeling as lousy as I'd been the previous night. So, I skipped my MGEN lecture this morning and strolled to school like I had no lessons at all. I went to the Level7@Library, exhilarated to find it empty and it wasn't everyday to have a wide selection of seats. After taking my seat near the design shelves, I started pouring out my woes on a particularly blank paper. To who then? To God of course.

I was interuppted when Desmond and his classmates came. I carefully kept the paper into my file before he reached the table. I guess I appeared lackadaisical and cold to him purely because he had to repeat his questions a few times before I could cough out the correct answer. It's too early in the morning and my insides are still aching unfathomably. The situation was awkward then when I look back right now.

So I just want to say sorry because I wasn't in the right state of mind early in the morning.

Minutes later, the rest appeared and the letter wasn't finished right till this very moment. The day was okay because I kept most of my thoughts and opinions within. I thought I wasn't so vocal today.

There are ludicrous stuff that happened today, making me think how nice it would be if people can start treasuring their friends more. There's a limit to an individual's tolerance and it would be good to keep your feet off that line. You woudn't like the outcome if you push the trigger, seriously.

The chat over MSN with Melissa makes things a tad better. Thank You Lots man~~ =)

2007-07-12T19:25:00.000+08:00

I suck at being a friend. I suck at being a good family member. And I suck at being a group member. Now I don't even know what people expect from me. I'm lost. Don't know what to do. Don't know who to be. Don't know where's the limit to my tolerance. Don't know how to make it right. Don't know when it'll all end. It's that phase of doubt in myself, and people around me. And now I understand, it hurts when your efforts get denied so completely, but it hurts even more when your pain can't be released in the form of tears. Next time, I won't be like this again.

2007-07-07T18:14:00.000+08:00

The rain earlier in the morning is making my head ache like nobody's business. Saturday is almost gone with nothing done except the retail and gourmet therapy with sis. It's a good way to de-stress, to remove all the strains last week had put upon me. Last week was a mad rush to get projects and assignments on the track but there I presumed that that was fun among the craze at least.

School work is indeed building up into a tidal wave and suddenly you realised that you're swamped by the projects that held a good amount of weightage. Home isn't equivalent to rest nowadays and my sleep starts to get 'eventful' with all those weird dreams.

In other words, I'm deprived of rest. The sleep system of my body is going haywire and I can only blame it on the psychological effect school has on me. There's this fear that the alarm clock wouldn't be able to wake me up if I fall into too deep a sleep so I try to keep my conciousness even when I'm sleeping. That sounds like bullshit but it applies to me.

I must replenish my rest by tomorrow in order to keep it going next week. My mind is losing it, same goes to the grip on my motivation. All right, I admit I'm not one to keep my motivation for long but the situation is deteoriating.

Tired Tired Tired Tired~ I guess it's entering exhaustion soon. I need to keep it going until exam finally ends and the holidays are here again. It's just a tough patch in education to overcome and eventually it will be over. I mean, if the seniors can rise above the obstacles, why can't we? Even when the headache is rioting at this very moment.

I really need to get my priorities in order before embarking another assignment. I have to trust myself that I can perform all my responsibility without jeopardizing another. I need to keep it intact.

How nice would it be if our body can thrive without sleep... Well, that's just ridiculous imagination.

Always remind me that there's nothing my LORD and I can't handle together.

2007-06-28T18:09:00.000+08:00

When I'm angry, or if you know that I'm pissed, please don't come to me straight away. All those 'consoling' and 'pacifying' don't work on me, me myself don't even know why. Leave me alone, and I'll get better faster than you think.

2007-06-26T13:39:00.000+08:00

BLOGSKINS

Here's how I go about doing my blogskin and some others. Basically, I rarely did the codes because they are so confusing and all I did was to use the codes of some layouts, edit it entirely, make a new theme and credit the person whom I took the codes from after I'm done.

You won't believe how this current skin looked like originally before I did the stuff cos' its entirely different. But still, there's the persistent need to credit or personally write an email of thanks to the user who provided you the codes. It's all good practice.

To kick start the whole thing, go to Blogskins.com and select a layout that you want. The feel it gives doesn't have to be nice or desirable in this case becos' you're going to change it after all. All you have to do is to make sure that the orientation of the navigations and actual blog is what you want.

For beginners, I won't recommend layouts that have got the 'clicking' stuff. This is an example of layout that has what I meant by 'clicking' :

http://blogskins.com/info/143942

Instead, choose a layout that has got everything on a single page, like mine. Save the layout and open it. Scroll thru' to find the URL of the image and background used - normally it looks like eg. http://.......jpg/. Copy and paste the URL and save the image and the background. You will need the dimensions.

Then by using Adobe Photoshop (7 is good enough), create your own theme in the dimensions obtained from the saved image and background. Try to stick to the dimensions for the first time but no worries, the time will come whereby you can do what you like if you gain experience. After you've done it, save the new image and background and then upload it to image servers like photobucket (lagging recently) or imageshack.

Replace the URL in the notepad with the new url and preview your layout. Obviously there will be color clash with the original color of the fonts, the color (#) of the bigger background, etc. So what you need to do now is to coordinate the colors by changing it. Use the eyedropper tool in Adobe Photoshop to choose your colors and simply copy and past the color code.

It's pretty much trial and error until you get what you want. Dimensions can also be altered and they are reflected as a number followed by a px. Change the number bit by bit and voila, you will get what you want.

Save your new template and you're done.

Changing the codes are not the difficult part, creating a new image is. Basically, you can't rush when you're learning PS. The pieces I did when I first started learning are hideous so you need time. It's not a thing that can be mastered a day or two, you need lots of time especially when you learn on your own. I'm on it two years and I still weren't very adept at it.

You have to explore each and every function of PS on your own, think out of the box and never give up no matter how abstract PS is. PS is one of the hardest to master if you want to acheive a fine balance of contrast, saturation and dreaminess. Some of my cyber pals are good and their pieces can make you go 'wow'.

It's all about manipulating the original images to achieve what you want. So the first thing to learn is the fundamentals.

To help, here are two webbies that are useful.

http://www.good-tutorials.com/ (I learn most of my stuff here)
http://www.gettyimages.com/ (It isn't too bad a source for images)

Of course, there are a lot of non-profit organisation out there that's not so well known but equally excellent. Like Hybrid Genesis, some communities at livejournal etc. The people there inspire you to be like them cos' their digital art just have the ability to make you speechless. And well, most of them are helpful.

Oh ya, before I forget, brushes can be very useful so download and install them in your PS. New fonts can be downloaded at Dafont.com and be used in PS and surprisingly, Microsoft Word. However, I won't recommend the use of textures at this early stage because using them can be tricky and make your originally acceptable image go horribly wrong. Though when used correctly, textures have a very big potential to make your image exceptionally beautiful.

Lastly, the keywords here are 'Determination', 'Practice', 'Non-complacency' and 'Inspiration'.

Good Luck. =)

2007-06-21T20:21:00.000+08:00

I've been MIA for a very very long while... You see... I just don't have that proclivity during the termbreak.

I'm in one of my brooding moods again, thinking endlessly about LIFE but not finding any answers as usual. Today, I realised why I prefer to stay away from big crowds and be at home, buried under books, ranging from fiction to non-fiction to, don't laugh, dictionaries. Books provide me with that kind of honesty reality can never offer. Faith is lost through those little aspects of life everyday but more is lost when I'm exposed to fakeness that always happen when I stepped out of the house.

The first week of the term break was rather relaxing except for monday, whereby clearing my room alone took up more than 9 hours. I spent the week like a housewife literally - Baking cookies, making sushi, experimenting omelettes, vacuuming, doing the laundry and mopping the floor. If it's something you want to do, then no matter how dull it looks, you'll still enjoy it.

Basically, I very much stayed at home during the first week, leaving only for NTUC or Granny's house. The weekends were very much packed with reading and doing the puzzle challenge book. At the same time, the weekends summed up to family time.

That explains why I very much love the first week.

Doubts came in this week, the second, and I thought some people weren't very honest with me. Maybe I'm just oversensitive though not without proof. I don't know why but the right interaction between humans is such a profound subject and I'm still at the beginner's level even though I've lived for more than 17 years. It seemed that I was at the intermediate's level six years ago.

So what does this mean?

It simply means that the older you grow, the harder it is for you to be communicating correctly with people around you, strangers or even long-time friends. We see things with simplicity when we were much younger but as we grow, even the simplest actions/words look as if they are shrouded with doubt, as if there more complications behind.

And all I want is just a SIMPLE SIMPLE life. You know, just graduate, find a job that pays me enough to feed me and my family, maybe get married to a husband who isn't too clever or too handsome, have a couple of kids, watch them grow and marry, then have grandchildren and then into the coffin.

What a simple dream this is...

Okay I'll stop crapping, I need to watch my HK drama before my sis wants to sleep.

And btw liwei, watch out for the next post yah. I will try to give an overview on blogskins.

2007-06-08T20:12:00.000+08:00

I don't need everybody to be pleased with me. I just want people that I care for to be happy, even when I'm not.

Life is, and always will be, the greatest irony. It now seems like Term-test was just a pre-test for the problems that are about to come. The grueling week, or so I thought, ended today but this very day, my mother told me things that made me disappointed and sad.

Tears are supposed to be left for the middle of the night, when all are deep in their slumber.

Everytime I thought that peace has returned, something more drastic than the previous episode will happen and you realise that you're back at the starting point, again. Humans always hurt humans with their tongue and wounds caused by your own species never really healed. But I know it doesn't hurt to be optimistic and brush others' negative criticisms like a speck of dust.

I want the old family back, the one that exist in those days when my uncle was still alive. Let the doubts go, let the trust refill and let the pieces fall back to their place. Where has it gone to now?

My grandmother disliked Christians in the past but now she hated them, and I happen to believe in Christ. Truth be told, 5 out of her 6 grandchildren are Christians. She didn't seem to mind it as much when my uncle was around but now, it's a different story.

I know, most people expect Christians to have the 'model' character but they forget that Christians are humans and humans do err.

Being Christians aren't easy at all. But that's not the reason to lose faith.

So now my grandmother will always, intentionally or not, criticize the Christians in front of us and vocally express her displeasure in the ways Christians do they stuff. Unfortunately, my biggest aunt and my mother are always bearing the brunt of such comments, especially the former. She would go on saying that when she dies, no one will be there to hold the joss sticks for her except for my one cousin. Even though I love her so much that no words could ever express, I've to admit that she can be stubborn as ox sometimes.

We gave in to her because we know she's suffering the most from my uncle's unexpected death. My mum once cried from my grandmother's lack of understanding and I think my big auntie had given up. There were also a few times where I broke down from the pressure and released my pent up emotions.

We all know that religion is a sensitive topic, and we also know that members of the same family should show respect to one another and avoid certain difficult issues.

I know my grandmother do care about our welfare, just that there are times she take certain things for granted. You know that she do care despite all the nasty stuff she had said. My grandmother doted me the most, so I tolerated because it's not easy to have your son gone before you.

I just want her to realise that no matter what we believe in, we still care for her and that we will do best to provide for her when she's alive. I don't want her to worry if her grandchildren will be there to pay respect to her in the Buddist way after she die. She's old and that's the reason why she should be optimistic.

Only 4 months after all that stuff, everything has changed its skin.

And my grandfather was summoned to court today for conflicts with a policeman. He's about to be 70 year-old and what makes you think that a frail old man can withstand the harsh conditions in jail? Besides, it's not even his fault. I love my grandfather too, a lot and I don't want him to suffer.

My heart always ached with guilt and disappointment (in myself) when I see him. I want to have a nice long conversation with him, play chess with him, give him some money since I'm earning to show that I care. He doted on me and I thought it's time to do back the same. My grandmother seems to forget that he too, has lost a son so she tend to vent her frustration on him. Sometimes he gave in, sometimes he retaliated but there were also times when he was the one that started the quarrel.

And I will think: What happened to the vows they had taken when they got married?

So I do my best to be cheerful around them, hoping that somehow they can get affected. But seriously, I'm getting a lil' tired.

Suddenly the amount of workload in school weighs significantly lesser than all this shit. I will happily take the former if all these problems go away. School is becoming a place to relax, I think. I have a dual personality - I behave rather differently in school and at home. That's why I guess I seldom let what happens at home to affect how I perform in school.

Right now, I just need that bit of courage to move forward. I'm beginning to feel stressed when I go to my grandmother's house, the place where I grew up in.

But no way am I going to give up.

The thing I am very glad about is that my parents don't really care about how the inheritance of the grandma's house goes. They don't even care if they don't get a single cent. The inheritance issue - Another problem that's ongoing.

Tolerance. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Strength. Courage. Perseverance. Tears. Disappointment. Mask. Faith. Love. Grace.

2007-06-04T19:42:00.000+08:00

There are so many lessons in life and I have yet gone thru' half of them:

I have to learn my MGEN notes.

I have to learn the notes for the papers after MGEN.

I have to learn the rest of the subjects lining up all the way to year 3.

I have to learn how to get along with people.

I have to learn what tolerance is all about.

I have to learn how to open my heart so I won't feel that nobody understands me.

I have to learn how to trust others totally.

I have to learn how to smile when I'm crying inside.

I have to learn how to see the light when darkness lies ahead.

I have to learn how to pick myself up no matter how hard I fall.

I have to learn.

I am never a social butterfly, rather, I am a solitary cocoon.

2007-05-29T19:39:00.000+08:00

School today isn't too bad if I exclude the fact that I dashed to 5-6-14 from the bus stop and made it there within 3 minutes. All thanks to TARDY 15.

As usual, PCT is a session where Mr Kok talks and we students drift into dreams... Mr Kok is a patient lecturer that never lost his temper in front of us so I guess that's why we climb all over his head. I reckon he should lose his temper at least once or fly into an unpredictable rage in order to keep our behaviour in check. Other than his sleep-inducing voice, he's good.

Back to the point. Well, I didn't fall asleep during PCT but I wasn't listening either. I was busy drawing and shading an hourglass and I'm rather satisfied with my piece. Next was MGEN tutorial and I dozed off. It was too good a chance to let it pass as I was sitting right at the back and obscured by people in front of me. Haha~

I reached home at 6.30 cos' I STAYED BACK to do revision. I don't even remember staying back in school last semester but well, I did today. Becos' coming home means facing the computer, facing the computer means temptation and this means surrendering, surrendering means play and no work. And hellishly, term test is just next week, can't afford to falter anymore than I did last sem.

I think that's it...

Oh ya, another thing that is really funny and childish happened yesterday & today. I never knew Japheth can be so childish and we were talking about soul-switching between Japheth and Peng Ghee. It's all crap lah...

Okay lah.

Haven done this kind of blog post (as in narrating my one-day life) in a long time but I still prefer my previous blogging style. Haha~

Happiness is simple. It's us that complicate it.

2007-05-21T19:41:00.000+08:00

MISS. UNDERSTOOD

This is what I currently am, people think what they think of me.

MELISSA. HUIYING. PEIQUAN.

Shit. I'm missing them so terribly now. But due to separate paths, it's so DIFFICULT to meet up.

SCHOOL. TUITION. FAMILY.

Responsibilities galore and they're testing the strength of my shoulders.

RELIANCE.

Don't give me this, please and thank you.

COMPETITIVENESS. ANNOYANCE. PLAIN-'SIAN'NESS.

Trying to eliminate this potential emotional & mental pathogens.

VERY IRRITATING PEOPLE.

Hoping fervently that they will stay out of my path.

UNAPPROACHABLE. PROUD. BITTER.

I'm none of above.

STOP TALKING.

That's what I hope I can achieve, and some others too.

NOT AS SMART AS YOU THINK I AM.

Serious.

LUCK.

People believe in that and they just forgot to believe in themselves.

Sometimes, to do what's right, we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams.

2007-05-15T19:24:00.000+08:00

Sheesh... I'm developing a bad habit of talking and singing(awfully) to myself whenever I'm walking that track to that the shuttle bus or when I'm walking home - alone of course. I guess this helps in unnerving your stressed-up senses but man, I should really keep in mind to keep my talking down to mumbles cos' I don't want to be seen as a case of lunancy.

This habit isn't half as bad as another habit I have recently gravitated towards, which is my tendency to be very late for MGEN lectures early in the morning and my tendency to tune out whatever 'nie-nie' said during the lecture. Not a single thing got thru' to my skull for the 3 hours of lecture for the past days. Great, exactly like Cell Bio last semester.

I'm going to try really really hard to be punctual, listen to 'Nie-Nie''s lectures and take down notes. I had already paid my fullest attention in PCT for 2 hours straight today so why can't I do the same for MGEN? But seriously, 'Nie-Nie' is of a totally different level from KOK, whom I thought was boring enough. Lol.

So, all the quizzes and assignments have started rolling in. Not very much but it's going to become a TIDAL wave from a small wave soon. The quizzes so far are okay, not too much complaints about it. And well, CSAS BG oral is next week and we happened to be the first group. Hurhur. On the bright side, we get to get over and done with FIRST.

WHATEVER.

Did I say that I'm starting to get addicted to Mind-Maps? In the sense that I enjoy making it, even when it takes up a hell lot of time. I had done like 5 Mind-Maps in the last two days and I'm currently on my sixth. Back to using color pencils and drawing nonsensical stuff to help me remember. Believe it or not, its useful. Bravo to TONY BUZAN!!!

I'll post the pic of my maps online maybe on my next post and yeah, I'm proud of it. Haha.

Am now trying to be more disciplined in my studies cos' I don't wanna repeat the situations I found myself in during the exam period. Situations whereby I slept only 2-3hours everyday for a week just so that I can finish studying just before the exam. I remember how I was completely KNOCKED OUT for 15 hours after exam ended. Though this kind of situations was due to CNY and my uncle's demise.

Next: Sometimes, I catch myself in my own impatience, bluntness and selfishness so I'm seriously sorry to those who (or think) tasted these for no apparent reasons. Control control - keep my mood light. Though sometimes it ain't easy because of who I am.

I have already forgave those who made me pissed, in my heart. I won't forget what they had done, I'll just not remember. =) Forgiveness is a tough lesson but yet it's a greatest virtue. For me, it's tougher to forgive one self than to forgive others. So yeah, if he happens to read this, please know that I'm not angry anymore.

By the way, I watched Spidey3 last sat and its good, though not as good as part 2. Happy that part2 will be aired this sunday! Weet~!

OKAY THEN. I GOTTA RUN.

PCT~~~

2007-05-09T19:37:00.000+08:00

So, Josh was back 2 weeks ago from his 4 months UK exchange trip and I only got to know it when he smsed me today. And Matt actually told me last wednesday that Josh is going to spend another 2 months there. This contradiction is so dumb. What are they trying to hide from me? I guess Matt set the supposed 'date of return' too late and Josh just can't wait. Looks like their chemistry of their friendship is deteoriating and I'm watching with sarcasm. There was no way Matt could have gotten the date wrong. Because they are the best of buddies. They must be in it together. Seems like I'm the only one whose getting over all that had happened in the past and Josh still seemed intent on avoiding. I'm still the foolish one who thinks that we can still be friends but apparently that isn't so. Matt is just caught in the middle so I'm not blaming him. But please be honest with me next time. And Joshua, I'm so disappointed in you. I thought you are braver than that.

Love that is too fragile doesn't suit me, becos' I'm clumsy.

That's why if I love, I want that kind of love that has the durability of metal.

So that it can withstand all trails and persevere against all odds.

And you can't give me what I want.

2007-05-05T20:28:00.000+08:00

CAROLINE~ is a contented girl today. (Yes, my mood swung again)

I found a ultra-cool website today with all the BleachManga and Anime. Although the speed of Anime download is painstakingly slow (it took me 2hrs ++ for one episode), the speed of Manga download is pretty acceptable. Visit the link under [RealityLapse] on your left hand side if you want Bleach.

Okay, I'm doing illegal stuff I know but seriously, I will go broke buying all the sets of Bleach. It's unlike SAIYUKI whereby the author herself take a MONTH to complete 1 chapter, resulting in very few volumes of both the manga and the anime. But still, despite Kazuya's tardiness, Bleach is only second to Saiyuki (my official No. 1). Ha.

Poor computer, it's going to be burdened. But me being not so greedy, I've decided I won't be d-ling the ~~BOUNTO~~ arc. It's a waste of space. 'rite, I'm going back to my crime. Shall update soon.

Before I go, here's a cute Bleach gif I snatched from Mosheque. Bye for now.

It is supposed to be moving but I guess blogger is disallowing that. *sigh* By the way, it's Ichigo and some other captains (all guys, I noticed) of the Gotei 13.

2007-05-04T18:05:00.000+08:00

The mind is clutter and the heart is heavy, but the soul feels empty. Among hundreds of other souls, this soul will be the dimmest. It is losing its light and soon, it will be just a dull shapeless mist. Feed this soul, please. Save it. Don't let it continue the fall down that bottomless pit called depression and destruction.

It's easy to feel depressed and shagged nowadays. And unsurprisingly, those thoughts of self-doubts always popped up from nowhere when I am with people. I don't know, humans just have this unspoken ability to make others of the same species feel insecure. I've always feel that I'm my best company (and still do think so) but recently, I love to be on my own increasingly so.

I'm frightened, because I could somehow forsee that one day, this will be my mentality: "I'm good on my own, I don't need friends and I don't need a lover."

Imagine when that day arrives. I can feel it coming closer and closer because just a day or two back, after I did my FPATH online discussion with my fellow groupmates, I thought 'Wouldn't it be better if I can do the assignment on my own?'.

I shudder at that thought when I thought back on it now. I'm afraid that one day, I will start feeling that my friends are my burden and I don't want that to happen.

All this has stemmed from the insecurity that I have buried at the core of my heart and once in a while, this insecurity will go rampant. 'They can do without me.' This thought makes me go numb inside and this was what ran through my head today.

There's no way I'm going to allow all the thoughts I'd mentioned above manifest, creating a dark hole within me.

JUST NO WAY.

I will fight these evil thoughts away, no matter what I'd to do, no matter how positive I'd to look. I love my friends and I really like helping them in the academic area.

NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

They are just what FRIENDS are all about and should be about. I just need them to feel the same way too. That alone is enough. So, no more of those negative thoughts. Get it, Caroline?

AND WHAT'S HERE WILL REMAIN HERE. DON'T GO AROUND BROADCASTING IT.

Though still, the one thing that will never change is that: I still need my solitude, every once in while. Please respect that.

Okay, I feel much better after vomiting all these out.

For my friends, learn to be independent in all areas but if you fail, I promise my helping hand will always be there. So no worries. =)

Don't rely on me, cos' you'll never know when I'll crumble.

-*-

BLEACH 124

All right! Just finished watching BLEACH 124 and well, it left me hanging on the cliff again. Right, I've read the manga and know what's going to happen but watching an anime is different from reading a still book. Agree?

Anyway, I think the white Ichigo(who claims to be Zangetsu) is manical but cool, better than the real ichigo who's always brooding about not being able to protect people around him. I like it when Rukia knocked some sense into him in the earlier part.

This episode is on the whole interesting and the vizards that went battling the half-hollow Ichigo practically kick asses too. I think one is called Lisa but I forgot how to spell another.

But the problem with this episode is that I don't know why Kariya came out as part of Ichigo's 'dream'. To tell the truth, I never got around to watch the BOUNTO ARC cos' I think its pretty lame after a few episodes.

I think that's that. Anticipating the second visit from the Arrancar cos' Hitsugaya is going to kick some ass. Hurhur.

2007-04-29T13:53:00.000+08:00

I cried in the bus just now.

It was after tuition, one that didn't progress smoothly, and worsened by frequent pangs of headache. My emotions were still in check when I waited for the bus to come probably because of the fact that I'm concentrating on the music blasting off my earpiece. After I boarded the bus and found a seat by the window, I slipped once again into my brooding mood. That brooding wasn't anything like any other. To me, it was melancholic.

The song by Guy Sebastian was ignored until it was nothing more than a background noise. The bus moved along the expressway and that was when I pondered about this:

"Why do some people leave our lives so abruptly?"

I was wrong when I thought I couldn't grasp the answer. But somehow, I know it. They leave not because they want to, but because they had to.

The truth sank in and the tears came out. My heart wrenched terribly and the bottle where I kept my feelings broke. Everything just spilled. It was realization, I guess. He's gone forever and I'll never see him ride that bicycle and call me again. I truly miss him and I want him to come back.

Mayday's rock song seemed out of place. I wasn't as happy as the song sounded.

The bus was rather empty despite it being a Sunday and people are too occupied with their own stuff to notice her sitting there, trying desperately to wipe the tears away with the back of her hands. At that point of time, she was truly alone and she appreciated it.

Minutes later, I alighted. I know its time to reel the tears back and stop crying. Cos' I'm not alone anymore.

~~Things are never the same again.~~

2007-04-26T15:40:00.000+08:00

Which Season Are You?

You're Most Like The Season Winter ...You're often depicted as the cold, distant season. But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and Independant. You have an air of power around you - and that can sometimes scare people off. You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you rarely let people in if you can help it. You can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be negative, and hard to relate to, but you give off a relaxed image despite being insecure - and secretly many people long to be like you, not knowing how deep the Winter season really is.Well done... You're the most inspirational of seasons :)
Take this quiz!

Okay, I'm flattered.

2007-04-23T21:18:00.000+08:00

More and more commitments and responisbilities are coming my way and so, please do not add on further to my burden with things I don't have to do.

I swear, someday the tears will be unleashed without warning and I'm not going to stop. I will cry it all out. I just hope that it won't be in school.

Even when you are busy with your life, please don't forget your friends.

Don't forget me.

2007-04-21T13:26:00.000+08:00

This post came a day late. Initially, I wanted to update this rusty blog yesterday along with the blogskin but unexpectedly, the skin took me too long. I guess was walking in circles when I tried to make the skin, the picture to be precise. I spent 3+ hours on a picture that turned out to be a ~~total~~ flop. So no choice, I had to redo again. Well, at least I'd gotten another thing done this holiday. (^^,)v

Anyone in TP should know by now (smack yourself if you don't) that the semester is kicking off on Monday, which is like the day after tomorrow. I think that God really loves me cos' He had put Gracecia & Aili in the same class as me. I had prayed that He put someone I can get along with and is previously from TF03 in the same class as me this year. But he went a little more and gave me two that had been part of the usual clique. I seriously must thank Him for that.

Speaking about school reopening, the timetable was released on Thursday and I winced at the timetable. Hey TP, I don't think the timetable is well-planned at all. In fact, it pretty much sucks. Till now, I'm still digesting the fact that 3 of my school days start at 8 in the morning. The only console I can get are the Tuesdays, whereby school ends at 1. Hee. Excellent.

I hope that the subjects will be okay, though I'm not pinning much hope on Poh teaching AIMM. This guy, he speaks too fast and my hand has problem keeping up with the speed. Maybe into the third week or so, I will give up trying to note down what he says. It wouldn't surprised me. Oh yah, right now I thought of another consolation - I am not getting 'Gracecia's Affair Guy' for any of the tutorials or labs. That itself is enough for me to smile all day.

Another thing about school - I pray that my new classmates are nice people. Nice as in not self-centered, not attention seeking, not bitchy, not too pretentious. Oh, I think I'm expecting too much but we'll see.

Two months just flew by and I'm getting back to school again. Not exactly ready but doesn't mind going back either. Just simply neutral.

-*-

This holidays, I had not been a loafer lazing around at home slacking all day. I spent a good 4 weeks at LEHMAN BROTHERS INC. where I got good experience about office interpersonal skills. I have also realised that adult world is nothing like it seems on the outside. It is lonely when you are accompanined by nothing but work and what indeed are you pursuing by earning so much money but losing your time with your family?

So I'm sure that school is way better than work. And the thing I have to do is to cherish the rest of the journey called 'studying'. Studying is good and earning money pale in comparison to it.

The rest of the holidays were spent catching up with friends and going to places which I had rarely been to, for example, Kinokuniya@Orchard. That place is equivalent to Treasure Island for bookworms and of course, I was delighted the moment I stepped inside and it was 3 hours later did I step out. I guess Dunman's motto did get emblazoned on me, "Knowledge the Torch of Life".

Next up was Zoo Outing organised with courtesy to Aili and the M.A.C outing (as quoted from Maisharah). Animals in the zoo kept showing their butts to me without any hint of modesty and I have found out Juan's greatest fear *evil grin*.

Went to Ikea with relatives within the two weeks too and I came home telling my mother that I want to change the layout of my room but she firmly objected due to fengshui purposes. Hence I have no choice but to abort that idea. I bought this net thing from Ikea for $7.90 and till now, I don't what to do with it. Speak of buying on impulse.

The catching up with Melissa on Thursday was great too. And I had watched 'Meet the Robinsons' with my sis too. The whole movie was about 'KEEP MOVING FORWARD' but disappointingly, it was a tad too short. I still like 'The Incredibles'. Lol.

So, this vacation on the whole was fulfiling.

Great.

-*-

A few things about Realization:

I have realised that tears convey more than what words could ever say.

I have realised that every relationship has an expiry date.

I have realised that when you have nothing to lose, you show your true character.

I have realised that no matter how many times I pray, I only get what I rightfully deserve.

I have realised that words had hurt me more than the wounds I had suffered in life.

I have realised that I am better when I am silent.

I have realised that if you make decisions with your heart, you are bound to regret then later in your life.

-*-

That's about all. =)

Avatar by mosheque@livejournal.

2007-03-20T22:31:00.000+08:00

Many times these days I felt DEATH knocking on my door oh-so often, especially when I'm alone and lonely. DEATH is like a silvery wisp that you can never grab hold off and if it wants you, then you have to go with it. In face of DEATH, I am afraid. It's that kind of FEAR that makes your knees go wobbly and churn everything in your stomach. DEATH reminds me of those things I have yet done, it reminds me of all the wishes I have yet accomplished. The thought of leaving this world without doing anything significant is scary and disappointing.

DEATH isn't something you can just brush off like a speck of dust, although it's a stage you have to reach someday. You can speak easily of it, "DEATH is nothing.". But it fact, when you look into its eyes and stare, you realised that all the while, you're just avoiding it. Majority of the people have no COURAGE to face it and to accept that the reaper has come for you.

In face of DEATH, I'm a coward cos' I don't know where I will go to and I won't know what to say when I meet God. So God, please don't take me home this soon. Just let whatever I'm worried about be part of my foolish imagination. Let my faith shine through whatever I do.

No people, I ain't thinking too much when I write this passage. I gave my current life a deep thought and obviously, working makes me pessimistic. The working life has proven itself to be very much a bitch. HURHUR...

And I think my DAD is giving the FAMILY a very big HEADACHE right now.

And it makes me angry cum frustrated to think about it.

ARGGHH!!! (just shuddup)

2007-03-11T22:23:00.000+08:00

It will be fine, just like how the problems we had encountered had eventually straightened themselves out. There was this boy named Ollie. He is the strength that kept me going when I got mentally tired of those matters that kept my hands full. His passion for life could put even the adults to shame. His passion still burns, as wildly as could be, despite all those malicious illnesses that threatened to end his life, that caused him such pain.

Never once had he thought of giving up. He willed the soul in his 5 year-old body to fight every obstacles square on. Because of someone like him existing on this world, I could get the courage to move on even when the odds were against me. He's a brave young boy and I could be brave because of him.

I grew up in a family whereby the amount of women dominates over the men. My mum and my sis are strong women, the kind that rarely broke down, and hence I got influenced by them and got strong too. They dealt with their problems bravely and taking their example, I tried to solve dilemmas on my own, occasionally seeking help from God. That was why I guess my walk with God isn't intimate.

Recently, I'm missing quite some people rather badly. Now that I have a job on my hand, I couldn't afford the luxury of going out with these people. I think I understand the loneliness adults face when they get surrounded by work most of the time, not knowing what they were working towards to. In life, it is important to have a target, a goal to keep yourself going. We are given life so that we can live it, not just while them away.

I think when I grow older and look back at this stage of my life, I will regret leaving this phase rather empty. How many times had I backed off just because I thought that chance will present itself in front of me again? How many times had I gave up because I reckoned it is too tough for me?

Many many times.

And I also let YOU slipped pass me by not holding on, by being stubborn.

From now on, I will live my life. I will learn as much as I can and I will have as much fun as I can. No more leaving the pages of my chapter blank. If need be, I will even be more sociable than I am currently (though I don't like it).

We'll see.

2007-03-05T11:53:00.000+08:00

I WANT MORE NORA ROBERTS!!!

I WANT MORE J.D ROBB!!!

HAHA...

PS: They are the same person by the way. =)

2007-03-03T12:59:00.000+08:00

Something is terribly wrong with him. What happened to his fluency in words that he used to show in his every sentence? All I could hear now is SILENCE.That kind of silence that burden your heart. I shouldn't be worried about him. I ain't supposed to. But its not as if I could control.

I hope that his orginal self will be back soon and one day, he would tell me what exactly had happened to him. I won't force an answer out of him cos' when he's ready, he will eventually say. I want to see his confidence seeping back again, even if it's bit by bit.

7 weeks deprived of communication between us and he changed. Sorry for being such a lousy friend.

My exams were over on Wednesday and ever since then, I had been slacking at home. It's good cos' I seriously need rest from all the mental strain I had suffered during that exam period. Anyway, I know I'm not going to do so well for the exam this time round. Too many distractions and problems ringing now and then.

But since it is over, just let it be. Next time, I will do better when I'm in a better condition than I am now. But nobody believes me when I say I won't do well. How come?

Have been playing 'Sims 2' these few days and currently I have the urge to buy the expansion pack. Maybe I can buy if I can get the job at my Aunt's place. Just leave it to GOD and have FAITH.

If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible for you.

I want to go out to see the world (actually just S'pore) during this holiday and find out places where I never knew existed in Singapore. Anybody interested to join? Haha...

OkaY. I hope everyone have a fulfilling and fun holiday ahead of you. =)

And I hope he is okay, for everyone's sake.

I've made an important promise. Now, I just have to keep it and work towards it.

2007-02-13T19:21:00.000+08:00

Ahem. I'm finally back after 10 days of an emotional rollercoaster ride. Many things took place in the past 10 days and to whoever had asked, I promise I will talk about it once the wounds heal. Don't worry, it shouldn't take too long cos' Caroline is always the first to bounce back after these kinds of emotional sh*t.

Exams are round the corner and yeah, I'll have 2 months free after that. 2 months is a long time when you've got nothing to do and so, I've decided to get myself a job. I'm surfing sites to see the job offers and I'm already interested in a few. Worse come to worst, I will just go Aili's place to work. If Aili's boss don't want me, then I'll just stick obediently to my tuition teaching. Ha.

And also, when the holidays come, I want to get back to my books, as in storybooks. "Marley & Me" had been put on hold for too long due to the long hours I'm forced to devote to school. When exams end, I will finish the book. Speaking about books, I will prolly try my hand at some writing during the 2 months so my brain won't turn rusty (hopefully).

Anyway, there was this OLTC interview just now which I didn't go. Haha. The thought of me having to meet new people and introduce myself wasn't exactly appealing. So I just skipped. I'm a tad antisocial when it comes to such stuff and this probably explains why my social circle is very small and the no. of my friends very countable - I can count the no. of my friends with my fingers and my toes and still have a great deal left. I've said it before, I don't need too many friends hovering around me. Sometimes, I'm my best company.

But I'm not a lonely person despite being alone. =)

Tomorrow, it's Valentine's Day! Oh well, I guess I'm spending it with my notes or if I'm going to Changi Airport, I'll be spending it with my friends. It's the 17th valentine's day without a boyfriend for me and I wonder when will my Feb 14th be different. I guess not in the near future cos' I'm just not ready. If I am, then I'll be spending it with him this year. Haha... Not that I'm complaining or whatsoever.

Okay, I'm off. I hope I will(can) be back soon.=))

What about you? Who are you spending this special day with?

2007-02-03T20:30:00.000+08:00

Pardon me if you see an abnormal Caroline these few days.

Cos' sometimes, you just find no reasons to be happy.

But many reasons to worry.

Sorry.

2007-01-25T13:45:00.000+08:00

Saggitarius Teens

Women: This is a young woman you can always count on, and most of the times, she is fun to be with. The Sagittarius girl never lacks company; she is bubbling with energy and ready to explore any thing. She certainly has the gift of the gab but her tendency to blurt out whatever's on her mind can land her in a mess. People around won't understand that she is simply being honest. If she finds something interesting she will simply go for it. She is not the kind to spend long hours in front of the mirror and happily shares her wardrobe with other girls. The young Sagittarius will excel at school and is likely to travel to another country for higher studies.

Words highlighted in yellow is what I think is true about me.
Words highlighted in orange is what I hope will happen to me.

Great, after blogging, I'm back to my HPI notes again.

2007-01-24T19:10:00.000+08:00

Shit.

I think I'm being very mean nowadays.

Next time, I will be MORE quiet than I usually am.

I'm going to get rid of this budding meanness.

And I'm going to stay cool.

Sorry to those who had been hurt by those mean stuff I had said.

I don't wanna be this blunt/straightfoward anymore.

Luckily I start realising this before anyone tell me.

I'll be a better person than I am presently.

Watch out.

2007-01-23T18:11:00.000+08:00

Whew~ It's been ages since I had blogged. Recently, I had lost the urge to blog due to, firstly, those dull happenings in my life and secondly, the time I had devoted to thinking is way too much to allow me to blog. I may not seem like it but I do think, every second when I'm awake and occasionally, when I'm asleep.

I think of stuff that are nonsensical and many 'what-ifs'. I imagine and make up stuff in my mind and you may be the 'lead' of the scenario I had conjured in my brain. That's why, sometimes I laugh or smiled sheepishly out of a sudden, especially when I'm left to my own devices. Somehow, this lightened my mood.

On a heavier note, there are still times where I think of stuff that makes me depressed. Things that make my heart twinge, cringe and ache for no apparent reason. But well, all this emotions I am feeling makes me human.

And now... about school.

School, in my definition, is an avalanche of quizzes that drown most students. I'm glad that I'm staying afloat despite my weight (hahaha.) and I'm propeling forward. The other day I just talked to my mum about school and somehow it motivated me to work hard and not falter. I made this pact to myself, that I'm not going to make any serious falters that will disappoint anyone that had pinned their hopes on me.

Know why I made this pact? Because this is the only thing I can do best at for my family. I want my family to feel proud for me when I graduate from TP. I want them to feel proud despite those financial difficulties they are facing, in which the only thing I could help was not to take anymore allowance. I literally swelled with pride when my sis told me that she is proud of me whenever she mention me to her friends.

That is why I think I ought to be happy, even though my parents do not shower me with luxury like other parents do on their own children, even though my parents are not so financially able as most of my friends' parents. I should be happy.

Besides, I have God in my life. So why should I fear?

I think God is fair. Even though He doesn't bless me with riches since birth, He gave me a commendable brain and a good family. So great huh? If I'm rich since young, I'll be a spoilt brat, whining like a princess everyday if something little goes wrong.

But I think, like my friends say, I am too emotionally strong for my own good. Hahaha~ Yeah right but I don't think I care.

That's just me.

2007-01-10T19:09:00.000+08:00

What's the hardest thing to do?

To smile and pretend that you're all right although deep down you're feeling like shit.

To be strong for others when in fact, you're the one who's losing all the strength.

To walk away and leave, even though you like him but circumstances forced you to deny everything.

*DELETED*

Another thing is the change that's taking place in school. It's slow but there and I don't think I appreciate this change. I'm trying very hard to be neutral about certain things but sometimes, I just can't. Maybe this change is good but I'm withering.

And above everything else, I've my committments. I've to stay at the top of my game.

Since when did I get so weak?

2007-01-07T17:00:00.000+08:00

I had a wonderful time with my secondary school friends yesterday! It was a long outing but when it was time to say goodbye, we were reluctant to see one another go because we know, it would be long before the three of us could meet again. Till then, our lifes will be packed with some other nonsensical stuff that will be keeping our time full.

They had changed ever since we graduated from Dunman. They had changed yet at the same time, they retained the personality that allowed us to click so well in the first place. I guess you never appreciate a person's good points unless you are apart from them for a long period of time. I know that somehow, I had changed too, just that their changes are more significant than my.

One had changed into a demure girl while the other is becoming more and more optimistic. Well, I'm happy for them. Although it wasn't spoken off, the three of us are trying to rise above the challenges that life had thrown at us, be it the ridiculous project deadlines, the suffocating JC life or the neverending amount of science notes to digest. And we were racing towards our own dreams, with a purpose.

The time spent with them is only a time they could give. We could tell out sarcastic jokes without having to fear that we would trigger each other's anger. That's the point of friends isn't it? Knowing each other so well that you know where is the line so that you won't step over it. I regretted not cherishing the time we had spent back in school.

Just yesterday, we were reminiscing about the days we slogged our guts out for DnT, struggling to meet the standards of Mr. Lee and some other teachers. Then as a method of relaxing, we would tease each other about the artefact done so far, especially Huiying's "Esplanade Toilet: Go at Your Own Risk." That got us laughing like mad.

And then we have to endure the smelly acrylic paint and the long hours trapped in the workshop. Occasionally, Mr. Lee would fly into a rage scolding us for whatever we had done. Also, we would complain about how he was helping student A more than he should be helping us. Lastly, it was the crazy pia-ing for the folio.

Hahaha... Those times were tiring but time well-spent. I don't have many friends during my secondary school life but seriously, having them is enough. I had said this many times and I'll say it again: I don't need the whole world as my friend, a few true friends would suffice. I think God had fulfilled this dream of mine even though with me not being very sociable and a tad sarcastic.

For the first time yesterday, we even took the neoprints. The result was absolutely disastrous with us fumbling with the decorating pen but all in all, it was fun. We reckoned that next time we take, the result will be better. The way Huiying and I kept comparing our handphones was funny too. She bought her W810i for like $580 but I bought my W850i for only $99. Haha...so it was funny.

It's worth it to go to Dunman just to meet people like them.

And now, I've found enough strength to face the problems of tomorrow, literally.

I mean what I say, and I'd already told you that I don't need you.

2007-01-01T21:47:00.000+08:00

Okay. This is the first post of the year on the first day of 2007. I'm doing this before the clock strikes midnight, becoming the 2nd day instead. But that's not the main point. If I were to do a recap on 2006, it would be best summarised as 'Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans'.

Sweet. Sour. Bitter. Salty. Spicy. Revolting. Bland.

Just everything you can think of.

For the start of 2007, I'd set up my mind and left some things behind, locking up in my memory. 2006 had been a strange year, with so many months of break (counting also the O's) and craziness packed. It's also the start of poly life for me (I wonder if I should cry or laugh about this).

Here's a list of significant things that happened throughout the year:

1. Months of lazing at home before the release of O's. I thought I was going insane during that period of time. My brain turned rusty that time too and my family isn't having much happiness that time.

2. Release of O's results. It's just there. No surprise or whatsoever but I reckoned I could do better for my English and Maths.

3. Struggling over the choice of which course and which poly to go (mainly between SP's BMS and TP's BIO). In the end, I got posted to TP's BIO which is my first choice.

4. My Orientation. Truth be told, I did feel out of place especially during the 1st and 2nd day of the orientation. Also, the formation of AF13. Still remembered how the whole class would go for lunch together but now we're going separate ways during lunch.

5. Gradually, the Mo Family formed. If I'm right, it changed from 7 people to 8 when Faiz joined in.=) Haha... it's one of the best things that happened in Poly. Those jokes shared and those pranks played.

6. The various cries and laughter that happened. The complaints that always happen before CSAS and the rush to complete the tutorials.

7. Attending the LTC. (for more details, refer to the post in Sept)

8. The day he left.

9. Returning to church.

10. The sleepover of Liwei, Khim and Aili just yesterday night.=)

Okay... that's it!

Last of all...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2006-12-21T16:21:00.000+08:00

Good times fly, they really do. Before you know it, you get smacked by reality yet again, reminding you that nothing beautiful in this world lasts.

The breathtaking sunset will only last for a while before getting consumed by the darkness of the night. Cinderella was rudely struck by the midnight chime and never got to dance with her prince till morning. The little mermaid had got to sacrifice her life for a relationship that never got to last for an eternity (I'm not talking about Disney's Ariel).

So, why do people still pursue things that don't last?

Last time, I had believed that good things can go on as long as I try but now, no. The harder you try, the higher your hopes will go. And the higher your hopes go, the more disappointment and pain you will feel when they crash. The kind of pain that never fades, constantly there to remind you of the mistakes you had committed. That kind of disappointment that don't heal with time but instead, get etched deeper in your (sub)concious such that you don't dare to try ever again.

I was hurt by people before but none did it as badly as you did. I had hurt others too but you claimed that I had done the worst I could to you. Yes, I guess we had hurt each other in the process. How to end it when we haven't even started? None of us had been ready enough to cradle whatever laid in front if we were to take that step.

Words are better left unspoken. We're better off without each other.

Thanks for that long-distance call to shake me back to reality.

2006-12-15T19:02:00.000+08:00

When I got home yesterday, I was dumbfounded, shocked and gobsmacked when I enter a particularly empty living room, a place where it doesn't look much like the home I had gotten used to. Inwardly, I groaned and outwardly, I accused my Dad for the misdeeds which I knew he had done.

The SOFA is GONE from my house. GONE: as in resting under my block and waiting for someone to discard them to the garage so that they can go to the nether world in peace. The 3-seater sofa is GONE. The 2-seater is GONE too. What's left is a pathetic 1-seater when there's 4 people in my house.

And what will happen if guests turn up out of a sudden? I don't know.

I've told my parents to throw the sofa away only when they had ordered new ones but did they listen? Sad to say, NO. So what the sofa had been shedding red skin? It's still a sofa which we can rest comfortably on.

Nevertheless, dear red sofa, I salute you for your loyalty despite the harsh treatment you had received from the Lu family. May your owner in your next reincarnation treat you better than we did. Bye Bye.

What's now? We will be sitting on the floor till my parents and my sis find a suitable sofa for the living room. And I can't watch my shows comfortably even when it's my TERM BREAK.

THANKS.

2006-12-09T18:28:00.000+08:00

Finally and officially turned 17 yesterday. =) The sky of 17 looks different, maybe its the psychological effect that makes me think that the sky is different. For some reasons, the sky seem further away from my touch. Every year when it's my birthday, I will realise how insignificant on this earth, how tiny I am. But nevermind, I'm 17!

I'm getting old. Haha... Just one more year to turning legal. =)

Anyway, yesterday was made special by my family and my friends. Mum came into my bedroom before she went to work and wished me when I was still half-asleep. Sis did the same too but my Dad...

"You never say Happy Birthday to me!" I shouted at my Dad when I was at the door, about to go to school. Haha... so funny...

My clique gave me this present which I liked very much. I was more than surprised, seriously. Thank God for blessing me with friends like them. =) And Khim gave me this box of cookies which I reckon will drive me through the night when I burn midnight oil. And thanks to those who had wished me in school. =)

Cousin and Aunt bought Oreo Cheesecake for my birthday, it's good. Thank you.

And one last thing that made me really happy was the messages I received from my friends. None of them forgot it. Haha...and of course, that was enough to make my day. (^.^)

:::::

Today, I'm particularly glad that the spirit is back again. After the 6 weeks spent slacking, belittling my schoolwork and just reading briefly for my quizzes, I finally found that kind of motivation that makes me want to focus on my schoolwork. Focus.

Next week is Term Test. I'm happy.

Because of the term break that follows after that. =)

2006-12-07T13:17:00.000+08:00

It would be better if people stop doubting their own abilities before they try. Even after you had failed, still continue to believe in your own strength.

C'mon, don't give up, don't despair.

Yeah, that should be the way.

2006-11-30T20:15:00.000+08:00

Everytime I find back that faith that keeps me going, something bad always comes into the picture and destroy it. Till yesterday, I never knew that Allison needed you that much. She cried over the phone, just rambling on and on about how she wished things could go her way and her regret.

I thought I was brave enough to ask her to give up but in the end, all I said was 'Okay.'

Should I thank God that you're away from Singapore right now or should I be sad that you're not here when I needed you the most? This is so complicated and however strong I am, I reckon I'm cracking under all this shit that Allison and you have put me through.

I surrender. I give up.

Next time you call, we will be just friends.

2006-11-25T21:09:00.000+08:00

Naively thought that being busy could put you out of my mind.

Back and forth you pace in my concious.

Never giving me a break, even though you're miles away.

When you come back, I'll make things right.

I promise.

When two intellectually strong individuals meet and fall in love, the path of pain and joy takes place. More hurtful than happy.

2006-11-22T17:04:00.000+08:00

I getting sick of being the best in whatever subjects I do in. The expectations are getting heavier and heavier and my brain is beginning to work slower and slower. No joy found in the knowledge that I had gained.

Feel like pushing all the notes away.

Feel like drowning into a resting phase where all I had to do is nothing.

Feel like being just another student with an average GPA.

Feel like be not giving a damn to studies.

Feel like being a kid once again.

Just let me be the average me. Don't mention my GPA again.

Don't.

What am I suppose to know what you're angry over? Doubt you will listen anyway. That's why I chose not to care. I'm not someone that says sorry for something which I didn't do.

2006-11-17T19:35:00.000+08:00

Lab Report to be handed up on Thurs.

Cell Bio quiz next friday.

HPI tutorial quiz next friday.

HPI quiz next friday.

Basic Microbiology next friday.

How exciting. Haha...

2006-11-16T21:54:00.000+08:00

People are under this misconception that I know everything.

Hmph.

2006-11-13T19:32:00.000+08:00

Some guys are in denial and think that they are the hottest guys in school. Too bad they don't realise that they are just OKAY.

Some guys are in denial and think that they attract every single girl in school. Too bad they don't realise that some girls view them in disgust.

Some guys are in denial and think that they look good in eyeliner. Too bad they don't realise that they look more like a zombie than a J-POP rockstar.

Some guys are in denial and think that they are so clever that they can label girls as 'stupid'. Too bad they don't realise that some girls are cleverer but had decided to let them keep they pride by not criticising them.

Guys out there, don't ever be like the guys mentioned above.

Don't be egoistic. Cos' in the end, you're the one that's going to suffer.

Don't put up an air of self-importance. Cos' you're someone we could do without.

Don't think that girls can't live without you. Cos' girls are stronger than you guys think.

AND GIRLS!

Show some self-respect. Don't be a flirty bitch to get a guy's attention.

Even if you got his attention, the attraction won't last long. Cos' it has never been mutual.

2006-11-12T16:52:00.000+08:00

Imagine the calories I've taken when I ate 'Prawns and Shrooms' from Pastamania. The rich creamy prawn bisque, the thinly sliced shitake mushrooms and the wholesomely succulent tiger prawns. This is a highly recommended dish if you ever go Pastamania. It tastes really good. *thumbs up*

However, there's a price you've to pay when you eat this. Unlike most pastas from Pastamania, a plate of 'Prawns and Shrooms' cost $10.90. So unless you've the money and the heart to spend it on this pasta... then don't bother trying it.

Speaking about spending money, I was just reminded that I've spent quite a sum today. $30++ spent on food and Mount Zion's stuff. Mind you, $30++ for someone with no income and other financial means is a lot. I've to watch how I spend my money from now onwards. However, the 30 bucks are money well-spent.

Anyway, most of the things I want are just worldly desires which I suppose I can live without.

Besides, if I have God, I have everything.

There He is, placed on the throne of my heart and for everything I do, it will be glory unto Him. For He shall lead him in paths of righteousness for his name's sake and His word will be a lamp to my feet.

It's different, when you accept Christ and allow Him into your life. Doors will be opened for you and you can take every step with faith, believing that whatever path you take, He will be watching over you. And along the way, He answers your doubts.

That's how great He is.

2006-11-10T20:40:00.000+08:00

Opposite Directions

The hostility of the name that appeared at the right bottom corner of the screen struck hard, wounding its vines around his heart. Despite all the years of knowing that person, Drake found the name strange, so strange that it actually hurts. All the memories had proven themselves again, they are just memories, worthy of nothing else.

Memories are vulnerable. They fade away ever constantly, till all people can remember are bit and pieces with no ease of flow, with bright white patches within them. Or should we say that the human's brain is weak? So weak that they don't remember things down to the slightest details?

In the dark room, accompanied by nothing by the steady tapping of the keys and the light radiating from the pixilated computer screen. Scrolling down the MSN conversation window, Drake searched for that name again.

The name that evoked such hostility and yet such strong emotions. Emotions that filled the corners of his heart, making it feel heavier than ever - as if threatening to choke him under its weight.

In the list of his added friends, he could no longer find that name. It always happened. Before he could find that name, the owner always logged off first. Is this a trick fate is playing on them?

'Samuel'

The name, as well as the person was becoming elusive. Every time Drake tried to grasp it, all he grabbed was thin air. As much as he didn't want to admit it, the both of them had descended from 'Soul mates' to 'Best Friends' to 'Just Friends' and then to 'Mere Acquaintances'. Someday, on the door to their friendship, a 'Strangers' tag would be hung.

Those who walked pass these door would either snicker or shake their heads in pity. How did a blossoming friendship arrived in this state? Perhaps it was the fact that nobody took the effort to maintain the tower and that was why it became dilapidated and collapsed.

And now, it was nothing but a smoldering pile of dust. How easy will it be, to build the tower again, as magnificent as the first? Very difficult. Sometimes, things just don't last. That's why they were beautiful.

Because beautiful things don't last for eternity.

'Friends are forever.' was being overused and overrated in Drake's opinion. How many can fulfill the requirements that this sentence demanded of us. He thought he was fulfilling it, until time intervened and drove a wedge between the Samuel and him. Time is a strong weapon. Just like a sharp blade, it could slice off the bonds in one swing. A clean cut, once and for all.

A familiar noise shook him back from his thoughts and a conversation window popped up.

It was his 'friend' of nine years, Samuel.

Obligated, Drake chatted with him, about those daily stuff with no specific significance. Soon, their conversation reached a dead end where neither of them could continue. This was an easy task in the past, where they were happily studying in the same elementary school. They could talk about anything under the sun.

Once again, time had shown its abilities to pull two people apart.

Maybe this was the reason why the both of them had stopped calling each other. They fear the lingering silence that would punctuate their sentences. Every question asked will be answered by a short sentence, worse still, it may be an one-word answer.

They had never really put in the effort to keep this friendship going. Sometimes, Drake had asked Samuel out but never once was he given an exact answer. Many times had his confidence dropping and finally, he gave up.

Completely.

Another sound from the conversation window informed Drake that Samuel was saying bye to him.

And then he was gone, even before Drake could return a farewell.

Then Drake understood.

The both of them had moved on in their own life.

Just that they had proceeded in the opposite directions and their paths never intersecting.

Staring at the screen, Drake smiled sadly.

2006-11-08T13:10:00.000+08:00

Just now you called and there was more silence than words.

You were tired, I can hear it from your voice.

It should be dark on your side.

Where did the ease go to?

When was the last we talked freely?

Which way are we supposed to take?

What had exactly happened between us, that toppled everything?

How?

And I thought I'm not missing you.

2006-11-08T10:27:00.000+08:00

The Story of the Cursed Shirt

It happens everytime I wear this particular blue shirt to school. I wear it, something will happen that makes me remember the events in a day for quite some time. A few months back, I wore this shirt and I could still remember in detail what happened during that day. Details that were so ever prominent.

And yesterday, I wore it to school again. Before I went to school, I thought 'things better don't happen to make me remember this day as well'. Perhaps it was the fact that I didn't pray before I dove right into the day but anyway, things did happen.

Believe it or not, it was one of those very worst days.

Anyway, I'm not going to mention it but still, I think I have to make an apology right here again.

Sorry to Juan Koh, whom I apparently had slapped her too hard on the back and triggered off her tears. Really really sorry.

On a lighter note, I've found a good place in the TP's library that showed off a whole shelve packed with DEAN KOONTZ'S pieces. I was elated like mad when I saw it. Now, I can save money on books already. Haha... so happy.

Finally, I've successfully went through another Tuesday and another French Tutorial. Great.

Next time I choose my CDS, I will choose it very very carefully.

I'm not missing you.

2006-11-03T20:40:00.000+08:00

Week 2 had just passed in a zap and this week was just troubling.

-Had my first ever French tutorial and it wasn't as bad as I had thought.
-Tuition had paused since Wednesday and I welcomed the break.
-Labs were bearable, just somehow pissed at the microscopes.
-Learnt how to play 'dai-di' or 'Big Old 2'(as quoted form Juan) in this week.
-The breaks between lessons were good for games.
-HPI isn't too friendly a subject.

This week, I'm going to spend a lot and tomorrow, it is Peiquan's birthday. I guess I'll just see her at a later date to celebrate her birthday, which will be belated by then.

Okay. Nothing much to say. I've got stuff to deal with.

Sorry for giving up at this time. She needs you, but I don't. Bon Voyage.

2006-10-30T16:59:00.000+08:00

For A Friend

Perhaps it is my fault that as your friend, I couldn't change the way you think and the way you felt when life went against you. I've tried and put in my effort to talk to you, to counsel you but everything had been in vain despite me setting aside my own problems. The troubles you'd are piling on my shoulders and my knees are about to give way. Haven't you see what I had been trying to tell you all along?

Am I such a lousy friend that I wasn't able to show you life's infinite possibilities?

For some reasons, I'm angry and even more than angry, I'm very hurt. None of what I've told you went through your skull as you continued to swim in the depths of hopelessness. Tell me then, what should I do? Should I give up trying to console you?

No. Just because you're my friend, I'm standing beside you.

However, if you're not going to buck up then there's nothing I can do. Why are you going against yourself with those negative thoughts when reality is already going against you? If I were you, I will lock up the past, move and then embrace the future. Yeah, that's how I do things.

Too bad if you can't realise it but being your friend, I'll be walking in, even when the world walks out. If you want, I'll be there, supporting you throughout the rest of your journey.

And if you heal, don't forget me. Because someday, I will need someone to lean on and be my pillar of support. My strength is wearing thin and I can't be the one supporting others throughout.

When that time comes, I hope you realise that I need someone beside me.

-----

I Don't Need You

That day, you invaded my dreams. That particular dream seemed so real that when I woke up, I took a look at my hand but your fingers were no longer there filling up the gaps. It was so real that it ached badly.

Really.

Somehow I knew, that dream couldn't become a reality because dreams are meant to be dreams, forever not coming in contact with the real world. I know, we couldn't work it out. There's too many things left unspoken between us and these things are piling up, setting an increasingly big barrier between us both.

I stayed on the bed for a long time, sorting out my thinking and eventually, I fell back to sleep again. Miraculously when I woke up, God gave me an answer to my woes. I even managed to mumble the words out.

"Actually I don't need you."

That was the solution I was trying to figure out all along when it finally took shape and present itself to me.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't need you.

2006-10-26T19:12:00.000+08:00

At some point of life, things are just plain difficult. No, I'm feeling (im)perfectly okay right now but it just feels like traquility before the storm. For the very first time, I'm dreading school because I'm not ready for the seven subjects this semester.

Hah! Laugh all you want but I'm honestly not ready for school yet. Not ready to read those Microbio notes, not ready to attend CSAS, not ready to put on lab coat, not ready to study maths and not ready to learn French. To conclude, I'm not ready for everything.

Since when Caroline's not ready? Since never.

Let me tell the truth, I was downright uncomfortable when I returned to school on monday and halfway through Cell Bio lecture, I had the idea of descending the stairs, slamming the door open and running out. That was my moodswing for that day and I know I had that dark expression on my face that caused Mai to ask 'what's wrong'. But well, I thought I was suffocating in the LT, listening to Paul droning on and on.

Perhaps it was the hordes of people around me. I'm getting people-phobia, or so I thought. Too many people, too little space, too little time, too little freedom to think. I need to think so I can breathe normally, I need to think so that my heart beats normally and I need to think so I don't feel all cooped up. Although holidays had just ended, I can't wait to get away from all these school stuff again.

My poly mates had asked me out for a walk at bugis yesterday and I rejected them. I not financially stable now and I'm not mentally stable either. Thought that I need the time to solve my own problems but oh well, more and more problems just keep on piling on my shoulders. I'm not giving them a shit anymore, just let them solve by themselves.

And just yesterday, I caught myself in a predicament. French is seriously giving me more headache than the other subjects combined. I wonder if that is counted as 'skipping' lesson but really, I couldn't care less when the sun rose again today. I hope I'm not hopeless in the language aspect. Oh God, just bless me.

Cos' this had appeared in the morning so I decided to 'skip' the lesson.

Fresh ideas = things you haven't done before = skipping lesson

This is the first time I had ever follow a horoscope and yeah, it did brighten my day a little.

And also there are freaking many distractions around.

But despite all these things, I'm not going to jeopardize my grades. That will be the last thing that will happen.

Now, it's time to do my part as a friend and call my friend.

2006-10-19T17:02:00.000+08:00

My days of going online all day long and taking afternoon naps are coming to an end with the reopening of school. The releasal of the timetable made the reality seem even nearer, as if school is reopening not 4 days later but tomorrow. Now, before going back to campus, there's a few things on hand to be settled.

1. Stock up my stationeries cos' most of them were used up last semester.

2. At least clear half of my mail. Mind you, the unreads are towering at 800++.

3. Put away stuff in my room. It's starting to get messy again.

4. Sleep more. When school reopens, I can't do much of it.

So if nothing goes wrong, tomorrow I will head out and hit the stores for my stationeries and seriously, the only thing I'm looking forward is using new pens when school reopens. And gradually, it will fade away. A new pen becomes just a pen, no more novelty left.

I kinda like the timetable because you know what? My thursdays are free! Free as in no need to go school, get it? However, I'm mentally prepared for circumstances that will take my thurdays away, like the manually fitting of a 2nd CDS. I pray and hope that that will not happen. The other subjects aren't taking up much of the time slot too, so unlike last semester.

And I've got French instead of psychology. The moral of the story is never to fool around when it comes to choosing of your subjects. Only God knows why I chose French in the first place and for a thousand more reasons, I should have put 'Water Tech' in the 2nd choice. I can't envision myself speaking in french and even when I can, it's a comedy-like scene.

Caroline? French? These two belong to two different world. What a clash.

Forget it, the damage is done. It's just a semester and I just have to thicken my skin to learn and speak French. Ha ha ha... How funny.

Oh ya... I've completed my book yesterday's night and it's a pretty good read. The descriptions are so vivid that I could feel the pain of the wound inflicted on Billy by the freak. If the story happens to me in real life, I'll just drop. Too painful. Eee...

For all the right reasons, I'm dreading lab work.

For all the wrong reasons, I'm looking forward to lectures and tutorials.

It's only one semester. Time will just fly by I guess.

Yesterday, my heart ached badly.

2006-10-17T11:39:00.000+08:00

You know what's the best thing 8 year old Shawn had said to me?

"I still remember that you told me $1 is 100 cents. See, I don't have short term memory."

Perhaps most of you people reading doesn't know the meaning that belied these words but for some reasons, my heart smiled when I heard him. It felt as if all those effort the both of us made was paying off. It felt good.

He's begining to realise the importance of study and I hope that he doesn't forget it soon.

I like this kid, even though sometimes I feel like wringing his neck and pulling his ear.

2006-10-16T18:40:00.001+08:00

Why do people forget their promises so easily?

Promises must be the most fragile thing on earth.

So easily created yet so hardly fulfilled.

Just like a brittle glass sphere.

When there is a small crack, the whole thing shatters.

And it slips out of our hands so easily, just like how it strayed out of our mind.

When you pluck the courage and finally look down...

What will you see?

Emptiness and of course...

The broken remnants of your heart.

And soul.

2006-10-15T19:41:00.000+08:00

Memories that make me smile/laugh

Back in my old school's library, I mistook 'pull' for a 'push' and I help this sec 1 guy to push the glass door cos' it looks like he had a difficulty squeezing himself through the small gap. My friend who was right beside me had this 'How come the door doesn't open?' look on her face. I only noticed my blunder when a librarian inside shouted 'PULL LAH!"

When I was much younger, I used to play pranks on my younger cousin. There was one whereby I tricked him by tying his limbs up with skipping rope after telling him 'See how long you take to untie yourself." In fact, my real intention was to tickle him silly and even till today, I still remember how he squirmed about pleading me to stop.

This is another trick I performed on the same cousin. I bought this Malay snack and there was a really big and whole green chilli that came with it. I shared the doughy snack with him and after we finished, he asked if the green chili could be eaten. Without any significant hesitation, I said yes and turned to do my work. A few seconds later, he emitted a gross-out sound and I turned. Half of the chilli was dangling midway in his mouth and the other half was still on his hand. His face? A disgusted look at the taste of the chili.

That day when I was in sec 2, I unluckily took the faulty stool during lab session and seriously, it was about to break. Being overweight, I dare not apply my full weight and my partner who saw this kept urging me to change. After like 15 minutes, I changed the chair with the absentee's. Then my friend, knowing that the chair will break went on to sit on it despite having a perfectly good chair. Perhaps she think she was very light that she went on the chair, rocking it back and front. My partner and I kept telling her not to do that but she didn't listen. In the end with a sickening crunch and crack, the chair broke and she fell. Heads turn and some even rush to her place to see. She stood up in a haste and began waving to the people, like it was something glorious. Haha...

All right, I'm tired with having to recall everything in detail. Five should be enough although I have much more. =)

Gotta move on to my life.

-*-*-*-*-*-

Just returned from Genting yesterday and really, time practically flew by over there. Genting was relaxing although I reckoned they should not make air-conditioned places smoking areas. This time round, didn't managed to go to the theme park but I had my retail therapy over there. The clothes are cheap with all those offers and discounts. Genting is still a pretty cold place.

Other than the shopping part, I enjoyed the eating part too. The Pizza Hut there offers pizzas so cheap (equal quality) that put Singapore to shame. That's prolly why I ate it twice in the 3D2N. The food there is pretty good and rather cheap. Maybe that's why I daren't go onto the weighing scale right now.

So all in all, Genting was a good place where you just get to slack your days away.

For today, I went to church and I like today's church session. The person sharing was an uncle in his 50s and he's a wacky and dramatic person. I could relate to today's sharing and I think yeah, that's what I gotta do. The day could be better if there isn't any sore throat bugging me. Up till now, I haven't take part in the holy communion yet and I guess I still need more time to get to know God and Jesus better.

Just like nature take its course and as for me, I shan't interfere much with the course of nature.

2006-10-09T09:20:00.000+08:00

These Few Days...

These few days, a lot had been going through her overactive mind, dealing with her own worrisome imagination and sorting out messy emotions. So many times, she wanted desperately to turn back time and see if she could change certain things that occured or certain decisions that she had made that sort of navigated her life in a totally different direction. The thought was absurd and she knew it. If everyone gained the ability to turn back time, the jail cells will be very empty and people will drift further apart from the true meaning of cherish. They wouldn't treasure and be contented with what they have, knowing the fact that they could turn back time again and again.

And so, she reached a compromise. She would continue to live life as it is, but now, be more able to discern what's right and what's easy. Life is for a while only and so she decided that she shouldn't just waste it away.

These few days, the choice that she made half year ago fleeted in and out constantly, silently berating her own indecisiveness at this moment, when she knew whatever she do won't change anything. She looked at her friends who chose the different choice and a sense of envy enveloped her hard. She envied their busy schedule when she herself was relaxing at home, she envied their challenging papers she knew she could never attempt and most of all, she envied the competition they faced. Looking back at her own choice and life, she realised that something was missing and that is a thing that only she will know. People told her that soon, her choice won't be able to quench her thirst for deeper knowledge.

However, after giving it some serious thought, she realised she doesn't mind at all. The good points of her choice stood out, prominent like white dots against the dark wall of cons and doubts. If she isn't where she is today, how could she be able to meet the lovely gang of people who, without any doubt, coloured her life? Then, she understood - even if given another chance to choose between the two, she will still choose the current choice.

These few days, she could feel the change in her. She had gotten very easily disgusted and agitated by people's sudden and unsightly actions and the way people dressed. That day, she saw a woman in her late 40s wearing cyan contact lenses and inwardly, she cringed. On her face, her inner disgust was reflected as a frown on her face. She knew she was changing, for the worse. She made judgements of people when she wasn't supposed to, especially when that was a stranger to her. Her tolerance alleviated and her patience wore thin. She was aghast by this drastic change.

Then, she decided that this couldn't go on. So she had a talk with God. This time, she will change into a better person. No more rude remarks or crude humor - she promised herself and God.

These few days, she got very easily moved by songs after a deeper thought to the songs' lyrics. Certain songs touched her heart and made her think of could-have-beens. They reminded her of a recent talk with her friend. Her friend told her that she was expecting too much from others and that she doesn't trust that easily. Even though her friend told her that, she knew that this point of her, she can't change. She can read most people like a book and yet, she doesn't understand herself.

The best thing? Is of course let nature take it own course.

These few days, she began to look forward to time spent alone. Being alone doesn't mean loneliness and being surrounded by people doesn't mean no solitude. Books are becoming her best companions instead of people.

That's why, she's going to treasure her holidays now for personal time for she know that once school starts, she will be going back to the hectic schedule and being surrounded by people.

These few days made me think a lot and now, a lot of stuff had been sorted out, which is undeniably good.

2006-10-07T14:27:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, when I went out for a walk at TM for some rare personal time, I came across Dean Koontz's 'Velocity' in Times. The cover (different from what you see above)grabbed my attention and the desire for ownership budded. Yep, it's another thriller cos' I reckon I'd get bored halfway through a romance.

If you don't take this note to the police and get them involved, I will kill a lovely blond schoolteacher. If you do take this note to the police, I will instead kill an elderly woman active in charity work. You have four hours to decide. The choice is yours.

At that moment, I really had to exercise self-control so that I won't just take the book and proceed to the counter, because I've another book which I've yet finished. My pace for that book was really slow, so unlike me. Probably because the plot proceeded in a really slow manner too.

If you're interested, that book is Jodi's "Plain Truth". I'm not saying that it's dull or what but the plot goes really slowly. Not bad a read if you've lots of time to spare.

So back to "Velocity" now. In order to quench the thirst, I went online and checked out Dean Koontz's other books and then I came across "The Husband". Another Thriller yet again.

"What would you do for love? Would you die? Would you kill?"

"We have your wife. You can get her back for two million cash."

Both books by the same author have intriguing storylines. I think I'll be getting one on Monday so that I can bring it on my Genting trip.

But the problem is: Which to get first?

2006-10-05T11:22:00.000+08:00

-Some obligations are so much like responsibilities that they sound almost ludicrous.

-Sacrificing my own time is what I've learn during this stretch of time but why isn't my sacrification appreciated even with a simple 'Thank You'?

-Haven't you noticed the big difference in abilities between the two individuals? So why do you still compare them?

-I'm not someone that fall easily because it's just me. Those words doesn't hurt at all but in turn, u're mocking yourself with your own foolishness.

-Don't try. Don't think. Can but not now.

2006-10-02T09:52:00.000+08:00

I've just realised yesterday night that there's only 3 weeks more before the holidays end. The past month passed in a wheeze and this holiday, unlike all those previous one, is filled with a lot of 'activities'. No matter how packed my days are, I will still find time to come online and do those usual stuff. That's me for you~

Yesterday, I finally went back to church after a very long pause. The place was welcoming and nice but at some points of time, I doubted Him. I doubted everything He had done for me and this family which I know I shouldn't. So many 'Whys' hovering in my head and so many unanswered.

When I said this, I not saying that my belief had waned off or what. I still believe in Him. It's just that at this point of life, I'm like in a cross junction not knowing which way I should choose so that everything will turn out fine. I'm human so I can't please everyone. Like the typical me, I solve problems on my own instead of turning to others.

For now, I think I'll just continue to show faith for one day the light will come and everything will be clear.

I want school to start soon so I can get back to those notes again. I missed them, haha... Although I'm thinking so, I know that once school starts I'll be grumbling about those inhumanely large workload and long for the holidays again. I forgot what I've been doing in the last semester. I'm not talking about the contents cos' they are very well still stored in my memory.

I'm talking about the process.

And this is implying something. Next sem, no more fooling around and belittling schoolwork. I'll will put in more effort cos' now, there's a challenge for me. I love challenges.

Many times these days, I've this urge to smash my handphone that had been ringing away. Those people don't know when to stop calling! I know what I've to do so stop calling to 'remind'. It irritates me a great deal and I never like talking on the phone cos' it hurts my ear. This sucks.

And whatever I do, don't ask. I very well know what I'm doing. This is my life and I don't have to explain for every single thing I did for it's not illegal or whatsoever.

I'M NOT A PEOPLE-PLEASER!

Anyway, I've promised myself this one single thing: No matter what happened, I will never allow myself to be disappointed in life.

Ciao.

People turn to you when they have troubles. But who do you turn to when you have problems?

2006-09-26T21:52:00.000+08:00

Took on a role of a hairdresser for my Dad today. Not exactly smooth-sailing cos' his ear was getting in the way of the scissors. Dad said it's okay but I tugged his strands out instead of cut it. Mum reckoned I should have cut more. I think it's not bad for a first-timer. Then it was dinner at 264. Not too bad and I realised Mum is pinning very high hopes on me.

Something is bugging me but I can't put my finger on it.

Bye.

2006-09-22T19:53:00.000+08:00

A to Z about CLMS

[A] dangerously straightforward person with a disregard for competition between others and her.

[B]eing the 2nd child and daughter of Mr LPH and Mdm SCH and has a sister 3 yrs her elder.

[C]urrently being tortured by the subjects in TP's biotechnology.(Actually, I'm on vaction.)

[D]on't give compliments easily but if I do, that means you're really good in my eyes.
[E]veryone who knows me and knows me well enough, should know that I have limited tolerance and also, I DON'T mug.

[F]riends are those angels sent by God to colour your life and make those obstacles in life not so intimidating -That's why I treasure them.

[G]ive more than you take: It's so blardy difficult but yeah, I'm still learning.=)

[H]e's the one that sculpted me into the person I am today - Lord, thank you.(",)

[I] had been an (in)active participant of the TAF club throughout my secondary school life: I'm also a sports imbecile. Bleah...who cares.

[J]ust got over a rough phase and I reckoned I've gained a whole new perspective in LIFE. Gotten emotionally and mentally stronger too.

[K]icking a fuss out of nothing annoys me a great deal and I hate dealing with annoying people.

[L]osing control of those stubborn tears is another thing I dislike a great deal. I don't like crying. Crying makes me feel weak. Though there are times you just can't control...

[M]y significant half will be someone I can be proud of and also, I want to be someone he can be proud of too.

[N]owadays, I look at primary and secondary school students and think, "Was I like that in the pass?"

[O]f all those possible humane emotions, I like 'motivated' the best and 'helplessness' the least.

[P]roud owner of quite some books, a not-so-flashy camera, sets of comics and the super-single bed(Irrelevant, I know).

[Q]uiet times are good, they make you think through stuff and sort out your emotional mess.

[R]eserved when the crowd is too big for my liking. I don't like attention or the limelight. You never know if the crowd is laughing with you or laughing at you.

[S]pilt-personality. Don't you know that I have one? Haha...

[T]hank you for bothering to read till here. Now let's continue.

[U]ncertain about this moment. And really, it sucks.

[V]ery very very very greedy when it comes to sleep and don't come disturb me when I'm sleeping cos' it will be deadly.

[W]ishes happen when you put expectations on others. Hence, I seldom wish cos' I don't like to expect someone to do something for me. Yeah, I'm a realist.

[X]ando pills makes Moses Lim shed off 10 kilograms. Amazing but I won't try that. Truth is, I'm financially unable to pay for it.

[Y]ES! Almost done... 1 last thing... I dislike smokers, especially those who smoke in places where smoking is prohibited. Annoying.

[Z]zzz.... And I'm done...lol...

2006-09-20T14:00:00.000+08:00

Mum has always told me never to place too much emphasis on the results, if not I'll lose the meaning of the whole process. I don't really understand what she meant but when I grew older, I began to grasp the essence of her words. I understood and I applied it to my life.

That's probably why I wasn't very much affected by not being able to make it into ASc subcomm. If I were to say that I wasn't disappointed, I will be lying to myself. True, I'm a little disappointed but I got over it very quickly(so quick that I surprised myself). Afterall, I lost nothing but instead, learnt something over the few days in the camp.

God never grant people with a life free from disappointments and with each disappointment thrown at you, you just get stronger and stronger, never the opposite. And I have to say, this is a disappointment I had in a very long time. I just got to accept the fact that in some areas, I'm not as good as the others.

And after this episode, I just got better at dealing at this disappointment. Luckily, I'm one of the optimists and that's why I'm not very bothered by this little disappointment. I'm a child of God, so I just gotta believe that he'd got better plans for me. Without any CCA at the moment, I think I'll just devote my time to studying and my tuition-ing.

Someday, a better plan and a better opportunity will come along. And at that time, I won't hesitate to grab it. Life like this, isn't it? With those peaks and valleys, you just need to learn to pick yourself up from each fall and with each failure, you just learn how to be stronger. This, is the whole point to life.

I'm grateful that Mum taught me that saying and also I think I've mastered the art of 'Ping Chang Xin' and that's why I seldom feel stressed, despite those exams and quizzes. And these two points are the secret to doing academically well in school, and probably, in life.

And one more thing...

CONGRATS TO THOSE WHO MADE IT TO SUBCOMM! YOU GUYS ARE SUPERB! =)

And for those who didn't(like me)... you can cry, feel disappointed or inferior but don't forget to stand up again. There's definitely more to life. =)

PS: Help me tag my board so that it looks fuller than it is now. It will be very much appreciated. =)

2006-09-15T12:25:00.000+08:00

Have been staying at home for the past few days, leaving only to my Grandma's house for dinner and also for tuition which is always held at night. Probably without the stress of school or the anticipation for results, I'm feeling very much at peace, except for random grumbles and naggings from my dad.

I like this kind of life, where you just have to worry about how you're going to spend your time. It gives you ample time to think through stuff and reflect on yourself. For me, this is the perfect time to rearrange those thoughts that had been neglected for long.

For some reasons, I felt like I've been brought closer to God. You can't help but feel that He makes the best things happen. True, there are times where I forgot about His existence, especially when I'm too caught up with school and my friends.

However, he will always do those little things to remind you that He still loves you. This made me feel guilty. Many times, we only turn to God in times of troubles and seek help yet we forget to thank him in times of glory. But He being the almighty one, didn't charge that to our accounts.

In conclusion, the love He gives us is a selfless one. I thank him for blessing me, for guiding me and most importantly, for carving me into this person I am today. He makes me feel I'm capable by giving me confidence. He makes me feel strong by giving me determination.

How great is He huh? I think His greatness is out of measurement.

I'm glad that my Mum reminded me to thank God for my results and I'm grateful. =)

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper.

2006-09-11T20:13:00.000+08:00

People, I'm back from the camp yesterday with less than half of my life force left. After this camp, I'm finally convinced that the ass has the most muscles cos' my ass is hurting like nobody's business: Muscle Ache. This ache extends to my thigh and bravo, I have to exercise caution when I sit down. Haha...

On the whole, this is one of the toughest camp I have ever attended in my whole fat life.
Scratch those Orientations, scratch those Team-building camps. They paled in comparision to
this ASc training camp.

If you think that this camp is all about station games and those high elements, think again. It is
something whereby you're constantly pushed to your personal limits and you can't just stop
there - You have to go beyond it. I stepped out of my comfort zone, took the challenge and
still managed to survive, despite those emotional stress, those physical lethargy and the mental
kind of shit. If you know what I'm talking about.

Before attending the camp. I calculated the amount of hours I have to stay in the camp
without the comfort of my house to be 48 hours. In these 48 hours, the amount I sleep was
barely six and I only get to bathe once.

I'm not the only one who ended in this situation. There are 67 of us who suffered through this,
together.

Day 1:

Reached school at 6pm and the night started with debriefs and ice-breakers. After the ice-
breakers, we went back to LT8 and supposedly, we are to watch 'Remember the Titans'.
However, the appliance failed to work so this activity went to the drain. So in place of a movie,
we played more games that were challenging.

After the games, we were allocated to our bunks, which are classrooms and eventually some of
us went down for the supper. Lights out at 12 midnight but probably due to the excitement of
camp and the high amount of energy most have, we didn't really sleep.

Some tossed and turned about (like me and Liwei), some just closed their eyes (Adelyn) while
most chatted. And I thought I heard the munching of chips too. Haha...

Everyone of us assumed, from the timetable given, that we are only supposed to report at 8am
for morning exercise. In the end, it turned out that the timetable was deliberately given to us
as a fake one.

Day 2:

We were woken up at 3.30am in the morning to do running and some team-building games. The
rope one sounded stupid but still, have to play. Imagine, it's 3.30am where the outside is
freezing cold and you have to do running. Crap right?

The very early morning ended at 4 plus and there was no more rest for us. At 5, we gathered
and went into a class room to play games with poker cards. After the poker cards games, we
were grouped into : Wom Por(wrong spelling), French Road, Clementi and Bukit Merah. Each
team contained around 16-18 people. I'm in Clementi.

Maybe God is looking over me or what, I was grouped with two of my classmates who went:
Liwei and Nicky. We did a Tower Building game in the spot assigned to us and we managed to
maximised our profits and emerged the winner (together with another group). Well done guys!

At 7 sharp, we went to the LT whereby the groups were given a real-life Task: To give a house
a makeover. We were assigned a Clementi apartment. After discussions and taking of those
tents (we were to spend a night in Changi) and stuff, we set off for clementi and reached
around 10. Two of the team members went to York Hill to do another assignment.

We ate our lunch(chicken rice) with the life expenses given and bought cleaning stuff with the
$20 seed money. Due to some problems, we were only able to get into the house at 12 plus.
Liwei and I were among the firsts to get into the house and when we really do get into it, our
minds went into a state of blank.

I won't describe the house but I will post the pictures if I can get them. It was dirty, messy and
unhygenic beyond what your imagination can think about. It was a one-room flat but really,
unfit for human inhabitation. The image of the house will be imprinted permanently in my brain.
The cleaning of the house started and we cleaned (not me, cos' I was running around buying
stuff as I was in charge of the money). We have to leave at 2 for the camp site and so we did.
Cleaning resumed the next days.

At the site, we played two games. One was the filling water one and the other was the rope
one. After which we went(RAN) for dinner at Old Changi Village and the dinner was chicken rice again. Night Trail started at 8pm and we went to OCGH and the Commando Barracks.

Sick right?

It's not just one big group. It's three in a group. Luckily, Jiemin and Nelson was able to provide
me with comfort. Actually, we comforted each other with our presence. OCGH's walk was worse
than the Commando Barracks one. Haha...but just slightly.

Day 3:

The walk ended at 12 midnight and Jiemin and I walked back to our camp site which was miles
away. We didn't know we could get a ride! We took an hour plus to walk back and honestly, my
feet was already at the point of giving way. Bathed quickly and went back to the tent.

If I'm not wrong, at 2am, the whole group was still discussing the proposal for sponsorship (for
the house) in the boys' tent and finally at 3 plus, we were done. Finally it was sleeping time and
bravo, we haven't get to sleep for 24hours straight.

At 6, we woke up and washed up and packed the tents. It was breakfast time and our group
just bought plain bread and 4 1.5L mineral water. Maybe it's my imagination but I thought that
the bread tasted salty. Haha...

At 8.45am, we travelled to Clementi again and did serious cleaning to the house. Bought
storage items (which we think that the house seriously needed) at Clementi Central, rations and
lunch for all of us. This time, it is duck rice. We made some more astonishing discoveries in the
house and the thought of them are revolting.

The cleaning ended at 4 and finally, we need to head back to school. Along the way, I did the
account report with the help of Liwei and managed to finish a part of it. In the LT, the counting
of money began and the accounts wasn't right. The Life Expenses was okay but not the Project
financing.

But still thanks to Hui Jing and all those who calculated it with their handphones for extending a
helping hand when I needed it. Thank you!

For now, I just have to wait for Ms Hor's call to ask why the accounts aren't so accurate.
Haha... Hope she won't call lah...

After debrief and reflections, the camp officially ended. Frankly speaking, I wasn't that happy, I
was reluctant.

5 things I had learned from this Leadership Training Camp:

1. Learnt to have a big heart to accept the fact that sometimes whatever we do will not be
appreciated. (From the tiger beer incident) However, we know we did touch the toddlers' soul,
especially Xavier.

2. Our limits weren't defined. We know that everytime we thought we've reached a limit, we
have to push ourselves somemore just because there's still more to go.

3. In a group, there's bound to be Leaders and Followers. Leaders alone don't make things
happen, it's the whole TEAM that did. We should really applaud ourselves for cooperating and
collaborating to get the cleaning done.

4. Never quit to obstacles and your boundaries. Instead, cross over it and you will see a whole
new world.

5. It's tough to do the cleaning, to suffer without sleep and bathing, to do the digusting trek
into OCGH and Commando Barracks but with the people beside you, supporting, encouraging and pushing you up along the way, the whole journey becomes more enjoyable, more tolerable and not so tough anymore. There's nothing such as a 'One-Man Show' in a team.

If time is turned back and I have to struggled between the choice of going and not going to this
LTC, I would still have chose to go.

This experience had contributed to my growth to not only being a leader but also as a person.
Suddenly, me able to get into the sub-committee of ASc or not doesn't seem to matter that
much because I know, this camp had changed me positively, for life.

So, no regrets. =)

Lastly, thanks to God who is watching over me during this whole camp and for the
determination he had given me for not collasping under stress and lethargy. Never will he
forsake me, never will he leave me alone. Thank you God. =)

PS: I have broken my record. This is my longest post ever. Did this because 10 years later, I
can look back and smile at this fulfilling experience. Haha...

2006-09-08T14:02:00.000+08:00

Be brave.

Have more courage.

Be more confident.

And that's enough. =)

How can I possibly lose to the 'me' in the past?

2006-08-27T21:40:00.000+08:00

1 disc down for 'My lovely Samsoon', 3 more to go.

4 discs down for Japanese version's 'It started with a kiss', 2 more to go.

3 chapters down for HAP, another 3 more to go.

Untouched for OC, 8 to go.

All done for PIPC, fight tomorrow.

Shall win.

2006-08-23T08:54:00.000+08:00

So blardy long since I made a blog post that makes sense. And I think I am addicted to making ambiguous blog posts so that people will go think, "Who is she talking about? Is it me?" Haha...I like to keep people in the dark.

The lack of normal blog posts is obviously, due to the looming of exams just ahead of this week. I am already a hardcore computer addict so it's really hard to tear myself physically and mentally, away from this tantalizing beauty (I mean the PC) here. But since it's EXAMS, I have to make a leeway and I limit myself to an hour each day.

I've tried and I've succeeded.

It's either you do get all the fun out of the internet and do badly for your exams OR you face your notes more than your computer and do desirably good. It's all about setting your priorities in life.

But studying is not my first priority. Well... my first priority is...

SLEEPING! *cheers*

I can't believe myself either until last night whereby I told myself that I'll just sleep a while and wake up at 11pm to study. In the end, I only managed to wake up at 1 am and that's not it, the not-so-tired me decided that why not continue sleeping and in the end, I was only up an hour ago.

And there leave my revision : UNDONE.

Being the good student that I am (I hear retching sounds), I obediently finished my [Carbohydrates] notes before coming to the computer. And now, it's lipids left. One more topic, one more topic, one more topic...for Biochem only...

My revision is getting on pretty well, I reckon. PIPC almost done and Maths's already on the track. So unless something drastic happens, I think I will be prepared for the exams and I look forward to the holidays after this. In this weekend, I will come up with a list of stuff that I gonna do and this list of stuff will keep me going throughout the examination period.

However, sometimes...

You can't help but feel drained.

This is called part and parcel of life.

Now it's back to the notes. =)

And then I realise I don't need you at all.

2006-08-20T14:38:00.000+08:00

Now, it's the time to put my determination to test.

Let's see how long I can hang on.

Let's see how long I can pretend that I never cared about anything.

-

If you hate me for being me, then all I can say is, 'Too bad, cos' I don't like you too.'

-

Don't ask if you don't believe me. I mean, what's the point?

-

I'm still human afterall.

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PS: A real blog post will occur somewhere in the future but not now.

2006-08-15T20:36:00.000+08:00

Crazy days.

Talk about the avalanche of work that you have to stuff in your brain.

Think about the mounting no. of things you wanna buy.

Muahahaha!!!

I feed on INSANITY.

And I thrive on STRESS.

Haha!

2006-08-07T21:29:00.000+08:00

There's always this light called hope, no matter how faint it is.

And I'm not giving up, I'm just letting go.

=)

2006-08-04T18:05:00.000+08:00

If possible, my mood just went a notch lower.

I fought back my tears and when I finally felt like crying, the tears didn't come. My emotions and problems are cooped up in a bottle and my heart is closed to most people. Most of the time, I just showed a side of me that looked like I'm bothered by nothing and that I'm strong.

As for the weak side of me, I simply keep it to myself. After so many years of living, my problems are still a 'no entry' to my friends and my family. At the most, I only give my sis that kind of vague idea without really confiding in her my woes.

I solve those problems that are bugging me on my own just simply because I trust myself to make the best decisions. But now, even this kind of trust in myself is wavering.

I don't understand what's the problem with me.

As human, problems define our character and how we handle things. Right now, I'm not coping too well and at times, I will just fall into deep thoughts about those things that my life revolved around. My intentions were misread when what I wanted to do was to help. So what do you expect me to do?

And then when I thought I was succeeding, you barge into my life once again and turn everything upside down. Should I just pretend that I don't really give a damn about you? But man, that's difficult. I'm still trying.

I'm hurt. I'm defeated. I'm picking myself up again.

The only thing that stood still is the faith I have in God.

Please grant me the courage to change the things I can; serenity to accept things I cannot and wisdom to see the difference.

2006-08-01T18:48:00.000+08:00

I've always hated my Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays because that's the onslaught of ridiculously long lectures and immensely 'sian' tutorials. I mean, how much information can a normal student take in before they become super-saturated?

But even if I don't like these stuffs that are lined out for us, I would still eventually drag my ass out of my house and be in the lecture theater, whether punctual or not.

Today is one of the good days cos' it's uber relaxing and for a slacker like me, it's good lah~ Only attended tutorials for approx. 2 hours and yeah, after a little stroll around TM, I'm back home.

On monday, I went watching Lakehouse at a place near Plaza Singapura. True, the place and screen are big but the bus ride to TP was one of a hellish experience. When I came out of the bus after about 33 stops, I was feeling nauseous. Yah yah yah, I'm car(bus) sick.

Back to the movie. As I'm never those hopeless romantics(even though tickle tests said that I am), the movie was overall quite boring. I understood the movie thoroughly but something was missing. There's no climax, and there's no logic. Don't worry, I'm awake throughout the whole show, although at some parts, I do feel like sleeping.

Is it me or is Keanu Reeves not as handsome as before? However, Sandra Bullock looks pretty, And feels pretty too.

I'm counting my days off my fingers and I hoped that exams come soon. After exams, it's my holidays and I've already planned a dozen of stuff to do. I want to do those stuff now but no, my school work doesn't allow me to.

So! It's already the final stretch! And I'll go all the away!

WHOO~

I don't appreciate you calling people dumb, cos' you aren't that clever either.

It's difficult but I'm trying hard and I'm succeeding.

Do I look unapproachable? Haha~

I know I'm sarcastic but I'm not sarcastic without a reason.
Try to know someone before you even judge them. Hmph.

2006-07-27T18:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I can't help but feel like a weirdo. There's a lot of things I'd done in a moment of rashness. For example, I bought Jodi Picuolt's Plain Truth without much thinking. And then, I can still remember I bought The Sims 2 when my O's hadn't even ended.

And just now, I simply added everyone of my classmate into my MSN without thinking if I will ever chat with them or not. Haha~

It's just one sentence that rules all these rashness: Because I feel like it.

So, if any of you wonder who is the person you had just accepted or block, whatever, it's me. If you wonder who the hell is 'me', please turn your eyes onto the column on the left, under 'Spilt Persona'. However, I think if you're able to find your way here, you should already know who I am.

People do read my blog, ya know. Just that they don't bother to leave a trace here, like a simple tag or what. Like me, they are lazy. Haha~ That's one of the reason why I removed the tagboard. Why put up one when one hardly tags?

Besides, I don't tag either. Haha~

Recently, I feel weird doing those things I did. But from tomorrow onwards, no, from this moment onwards, I will snap out of my unrequited illusion and push all my riduculous thoughts far behind.

I hate it when I expect something to happen between us, which I know is impossible.

So, no more of these! NO MORE!

Because I know, I'm just another person.

2006-07-24T18:56:00.000+08:00

I tear my lab coat today.

I accidentally spilled some smelly and pungent chemical on Juan Koh's stuff.

I had to deal with some really obnoxious people.

All in all, today was not my day. However, my day still proved to be better than Liwei and Juan Koh. The practicals made me tired and honestly, I'm about to doze off right now.

I have no idea how to keep going on for school. Even as much as I hate to admit it, school stuff is taking a toll on me. I'm still trying to get out of my depression for that idoitic OC quiz but yeah, it's getting better.

Then there's a ton of HAP stuff to memorise.

Following closely is PIPC, which I think I'm losing my hang on.

And then Maths, it's going into a whole new topic that's remotely related to A maths.

Biochem, I have no clue what he is teaching about. It's all my luck that had been doing all the work.

That's why I'm tired.

But no matter how tired I am, I knew I have to carry on. If not, what else can I do?

However, for the mean time, let me recuperate first.

2006-07-22T11:43:00.000+08:00

It's the kind of uncertainty that kills.

That makes you feel flustered.

And causes the knot in your chest to tighten.

I don't wanna guess those signs you're giving me.

If you don't tell me, then I'm going to ignore it.

Simple as that.

Christ, thanks for giving me strength and faith during the darkest times.

2006-07-20T18:30:00.000+08:00

Click here for larger image
To be honest with you, I like this creation very very very much. (^^,) Done based on a tutorial by Hybrid Genesis. I don't really praise anyone but those guys are geniuses! Hee~