Friday, January 25, 2008

I wish I could be the happy, selfless, and plump that I was during the Dunman days. I miss the friends back then despite the occasional mudslinging. Life was still good back then and the only thing I really need to worry about was the TAF club sessions.

Back then in Dunman, I never associated much, I mean on the emotionally close level, with majority of my classmates. That was why I never disliked anybody in school on a permanent basis, except for this short guy in my class who kept making sarcastic comments about my size. I didn't let it bug me much bccause I know he was just jealous that I scored better than him for most of the subjects.

When I got to poly, things began spiralling out of my control. On the first day of orientation, I don't understand why but I was irked by the display of superficial affections my classmates showed each other. I didn't give it much thought then. The more I interacted with my classmates, the nearer I got to their true colors. The more they show their real personality, the more I grow to dislike them. So I stayed away from those 'blacklisted' people and was still happy. In a way, I didn't want my dislike for them to extend into something that would in turn suffocate me.

The bad thing about this whole thing is, I didn't know that I could grow to dislike people I thought I could tolerate. I couldn't stand being in the same place as people I don't like but circumstances in poly are forcing me to do so. I hate the friendly mask I've begun to wear in front of such people and I tried erecting a barrier to keep these people out, without letting those negativity shows. It was the hardest thing on earth. You can't expect me to act friendly with someone and talk behind their back, it's too fake for me. I never was friendly with most of the people and it takes alot for me to truly accept someone as a friend.

See? I never knew I was such a difficult person to be with before I came to TP.

Talk about self-realization and such.

I expected too much from people around me, thinking that I can get something as long as I give. That was when I'm still the naive Caroline. Now, I don't have much expectations for anybody. I give, give and give, without really expecting to get something in return. Giving is tiring, but because of who I am, I can only give more than what I can get.

Even when it gets really unfair. Even when nobody appreciates. Even when nobody see how tired I am getting.

They think I can keep on giving. But please, who's going to perform the act of giving for me?

I'm getting selfish and I am still trying to psyched myself into believing that helping others is an act of virtue. But what about those people who aren't worth helping?

Mum always say: "做人最重要就是要问心无愧。"

I trying to convince myself that as long as I did nothing wrong, I'll be okay. And someone always say that it's always better to give more than you take, but he didn't say that how tired it will be.

God, please send some guidance and comfort. Your daughter on earth really needs it.

已经真的倦了啊。

='(