Thursday, January 31, 2008

If I had been a better student, I would be in LT22 at this moment learning how to analyse financial reports. Today is the last BFA lecture and it is going to last for 2 hours. The 'good' student in me wanted to attend but since neither Gracecia nor Juan wanted to go, I decided to skip it too. Doesn't hurt being rebellious once in a while...

Today is the best THURSDAY throughout the whole semester. I had no lesson, just a group meeting which turned out to be pretty fruitful and hilarious (Matthew and Xavier were the source of the jokes), a meet-up with Mr Lim (he reminds me of someone who reminds me of rudolph) and food with a couple of people. Thursdays were never as relaxing as this.

However, I reckoned I shouldn't have gone to Mac at 11.15 a.m. in order to satisfy my sudden craving for beef patties (yet I ordered McSpicy in the end). My meeting was at 12 so I gave up eating when it was 11.45 on my phone. In the end, I only wasted a portion of McSpicy, which really did live up to its name. I packed the twister fries, which was later finished by Peng Ghee, Wilson and Japheth (ate the most). Good, cos' one thing I hate is wasting food.

And I think I have been irritating Peng Ghee these few days. I can't help but taunt him about his love saga with Apple and Mango (don't get too serious people) and his unexpected cum jaw-dropping O'levels results. I still can't get over the fact that his english grade was the same as mine. Okay okay, I'm joking haha...

I keep having butterflies in my stomach these few days, especially when I fantasise or think about something I dread. My stomach is churning and I have no idea why. I have this intuition that something both good and bad is about to happen. The point is, I feel that God is part of this 'thing' that is going to happen. Maybe its the after-effect of reading 'A Purpose-Driven Life' by Rick Warren. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I have been praying and praying recently, especially when I feel discouraged by events that suggest remotely about humanity. This world we're living in could do with more love. If people show some understanding towards their counterparts, there would be less wars and more harmony. This is a major realisation I'd made just 5 minutes ago, when I opened a grotesque mail sent by aunt.

That's when I know I have to let go of all the resentment that I have been feeling these days. Difficult but it doesn't harm to try. I will try to be at peace with everybody and everyone. LOL.

Okay, I got to run. MBIO practical test is on tomorrow!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Joseph has only been with us for 5 months, but I have like hundred things about him that I can share with people. Everyday there's something about him that's comical. You know he's cute even though he just stands there quietly and look at us do our daily stuff. He has got 'Ba Zi Mei' and it is an essential contributing to his cuteness.

I realise I can go on talking and talking about him when I met up with Melissa this evening. I miss her so much. She's excited to see me and vice versa. Hah. The only thing I had a major problem with is her height. Imagine me going out with LHY and her in the future.

170++, 164, 175 cm respectively.

I'm the 164cm one. This is called the inferiority complex.

Anyway I'm still beyond happy to see her. =) Cool. But 4 hours just aren't enough for us to fill up the gap that was created when we hadn't meet each others for months.

Alright. Majority of ABCHM and BFA is almost done! ABCHM is getting too heavy for me to bear for another minute. I reckoned the interview hasn't went as well as I would like it to. My answers were sort of incoherent and in a jumbled mess. Oh well, the damage is done. Let me brood over it for another while before I let it off.

Now, the next big thing is...

SPRING CLEANING 2008.

Get the ear plugs ready. My mum's going to nag anytime soon.

And she's really good at nagging nowadays.

On the whole: I'm a HAPPY girl today. (^^,)

Friday, January 25, 2008

I wish I could be the happy, selfless, and plump that I was during the Dunman days. I miss the friends back then despite the occasional mudslinging. Life was still good back then and the only thing I really need to worry about was the TAF club sessions.

Back then in Dunman, I never associated much, I mean on the emotionally close level, with majority of my classmates. That was why I never disliked anybody in school on a permanent basis, except for this short guy in my class who kept making sarcastic comments about my size. I didn't let it bug me much bccause I know he was just jealous that I scored better than him for most of the subjects.

When I got to poly, things began spiralling out of my control. On the first day of orientation, I don't understand why but I was irked by the display of superficial affections my classmates showed each other. I didn't give it much thought then. The more I interacted with my classmates, the nearer I got to their true colors. The more they show their real personality, the more I grow to dislike them. So I stayed away from those 'blacklisted' people and was still happy. In a way, I didn't want my dislike for them to extend into something that would in turn suffocate me.

The bad thing about this whole thing is, I didn't know that I could grow to dislike people I thought I could tolerate. I couldn't stand being in the same place as people I don't like but circumstances in poly are forcing me to do so. I hate the friendly mask I've begun to wear in front of such people and I tried erecting a barrier to keep these people out, without letting those negativity shows. It was the hardest thing on earth. You can't expect me to act friendly with someone and talk behind their back, it's too fake for me. I never was friendly with most of the people and it takes alot for me to truly accept someone as a friend.

See? I never knew I was such a difficult person to be with before I came to TP.

Talk about self-realization and such.

I expected too much from people around me, thinking that I can get something as long as I give. That was when I'm still the naive Caroline. Now, I don't have much expectations for anybody. I give, give and give, without really expecting to get something in return. Giving is tiring, but because of who I am, I can only give more than what I can get.

Even when it gets really unfair. Even when nobody appreciates. Even when nobody see how tired I am getting.

They think I can keep on giving. But please, who's going to perform the act of giving for me?

I'm getting selfish and I am still trying to psyched myself into believing that helping others is an act of virtue. But what about those people who aren't worth helping?

Mum always say: "做人最重要就是要问心无愧。"

I trying to convince myself that as long as I did nothing wrong, I'll be okay. And someone always say that it's always better to give more than you take, but he didn't say that how tired it will be.

God, please send some guidance and comfort. Your daughter on earth really needs it.

已经真的倦了啊。

='(

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Saturday, January 19, 2008

If you think that the content below will adversly affect you, please don't read. It's my thoughts about group work.

Occasionally, the thought of handing in a mediocore assignment had crossed my mind when the stress meter is blinking insidiously in red. I'm sure most of my group members wouldn't mind, but in the end, it was me who minded.

This was the case for ABCHM presentation.

The same applies for AMIC and CSAS3 report.

And a list of other minor group projects and individual assignments.

I put in effort for every single task assigned to us. I could do those individual assignments without much qualms. It was those group work that I had encountered difficulties. I'm not good at group dynamics but still, I always try my best to cooperate and tolerate. I won't deny that I'm a difficult person to work with because of all those expectations I set.

People who had worked with me frequently would know what I mean.

It's difficult to reject your group members' work but when I do, I always supply them with reasons why their part wasn't being accepted. It's like why do it when the effort is not there?

I know I know, most of the times the results are not proportionate to the effort. I used to the unfairness. You teach somebody something and they score higher than you; I'm okay with it. You do 70% of the work but everyone else score the same as you, I'm okay with it too. I'm okay with pretty much everything as long as my groupmates show a certain degree of esteem in their work.

I'm not okay with group members who are free-loaders. I'm not okay with people who crawl to you when they need help and turn away when their needs are met. I'm not okay with sloppy work. And I'm not okay with people using me and vice versa.

Once I had voiced all these things I felt unfair to a friend and what he said really affected me a lot.

"It doesn't matter that the person you taught scored higher than you. The whole thing is about yourself isn't it? Anyway, I'm sure people still think and know that you are the best."

Yeah right. He's right.

God gives you a gift so you can use your gift to help others, not to become selfish.

True.

That's why I can live with all those unfairness in life.

Haha...

Sunday, January 13, 2008

And I wonder how much longer can I hang on to this self-denial...

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I just realised it is time to blog when there's too much I want to express using MSN nick and personal message. All these bottled thoughts and emotions are bursting at the seams and before my insanity crumbles, I HAVE to blog.

These days I felt myself so detached from the world. I'm physically there, peaceful and all but the inner part of me is constantly engaged in a battle that's happening in my mind. I have too many thoughts; I'm a thinker by nature and I highly suspect that my brain doesn't stop functioning even when I'm sleeping. This explains the dark undercircles.

I keep trying to weave a reason for everything and anything that is taking place around me. Why do humans keep hurting their fellow species? Why is life sometimes beyond what 'unfair' can describe? How do they wear a friendly mask before those people they don't like? How simple is Joseph's life when it only revolves around food, toys and family? These questions are like a circle. I think, only to find myself back at the starting point again. Grudgingly, I have to come to terms with the answers I seek but not found.

Somehow, I thought I had more or less grasp the concept of the third question. And I'm hating it and the person it is making me become. So pissed at myself. And I suspect that I have a spilt personality. Two very much different person in school and at home. I'm so easily affected by the environment I'm in.

OKAY. It's already 9 days since it's 2008. I haven't make any resolutions or wishes for this year. I'll make a list soon. My major wish for this year is to have 36 hours a day and the extra 12 hours will be used for sleeping. See, I told you NY wishes don't come true. Hahahaha... My reasonable wish is for my father to be well, healthy and fatter soon. I think this one will come true. And then my resolution is to lose weight (this has been the No. 1 priority ever since YEARS and YEARS ago). Another resolution of mine is to find a part-time job, chip into my family finances every month and be financially independent (already done). The third most important resolution is to be a nicer and friendlier person. I dount I can do this. The closer I am to someone, the less friendly I become. Weird but true.

Okay, there's so much more to write but I have to stop. AMIC is screaming for my immediate attention.

Oh, before I go, I think Joseph should be called 'Loafy' instead. He looks almost like a big loaf of bread (color, size but minus his body odour) and I think he's getting overweight for a Miniature Pinscher breed. Okay scratch that; he's no longer miniature.