Monday, October 30, 2006

For A Friend

Perhaps it is my fault that as your friend, I couldn't change the way you think and the way you felt when life went against you. I've tried and put in my effort to talk to you, to counsel you but everything had been in vain despite me setting aside my own problems. The troubles you'd are piling on my shoulders and my knees are about to give way. Haven't you see what I had been trying to tell you all along?

Am I such a lousy friend that I wasn't able to show you life's infinite possibilities?

For some reasons, I'm angry and even more than angry, I'm very hurt. None of what I've told you went through your skull as you continued to swim in the depths of hopelessness. Tell me then, what should I do? Should I give up trying to console you?

No. Just because you're my friend, I'm standing beside you.

However, if you're not going to buck up then there's nothing I can do. Why are you going against yourself with those negative thoughts when reality is already going against you? If I were you, I will lock up the past, move and then embrace the future. Yeah, that's how I do things.

Too bad if you can't realise it but being your friend, I'll be walking in, even when the world walks out. If you want, I'll be there, supporting you throughout the rest of your journey.

And if you heal, don't forget me. Because someday, I will need someone to lean on and be my pillar of support. My strength is wearing thin and I can't be the one supporting others throughout.

When that time comes, I hope you realise that I need someone beside me.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

At some point of life, things are just plain difficult. No, I'm feeling (im)perfectly okay right now but it just feels like traquility before the storm. For the very first time, I'm dreading school because I'm not ready for the seven subjects this semester.

Hah! Laugh all you want but I'm honestly not ready for school yet. Not ready to read those Microbio notes, not ready to attend CSAS, not ready to put on lab coat, not ready to study maths and not ready to learn French. To conclude, I'm not ready for everything.

Since when Caroline's not ready? Since never.

Let me tell the truth, I was downright uncomfortable when I returned to school on monday and halfway through Cell Bio lecture, I had the idea of descending the stairs, slamming the door open and running out. That was my moodswing for that day and I know I had that dark expression on my face that caused Mai to ask 'what's wrong'. But well, I thought I was suffocating in the LT, listening to Paul droning on and on.

Perhaps it was the hordes of people around me. I'm getting people-phobia, or so I thought. Too many people, too little space, too little time, too little freedom to think. I need to think so I can breathe normally, I need to think so that my heart beats normally and I need to think so I don't feel all cooped up. Although holidays had just ended, I can't wait to get away from all these school stuff again.

My poly mates had asked me out for a walk at bugis yesterday and I rejected them. I not financially stable now and I'm not mentally stable either. Thought that I need the time to solve my own problems but oh well, more and more problems just keep on piling on my shoulders. I'm not giving them a shit anymore, just let them solve by themselves.

And just yesterday, I caught myself in a predicament. French is seriously giving me more headache than the other subjects combined. I wonder if that is counted as 'skipping' lesson but really, I couldn't care less when the sun rose again today. I hope I'm not hopeless in the language aspect. Oh God, just bless me.

Cos' this had appeared in the morning so I decided to 'skip' the lesson.



Fresh ideas = things you haven't done before = skipping lesson

This is the first time I had ever follow a horoscope and yeah, it did brighten my day a little.

And also there are freaking many distractions around.

But despite all these things, I'm not going to jeopardize my grades. That will be the last thing that will happen.

Now, it's time to do my part as a friend and call my friend.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

My days of going online all day long and taking afternoon naps are coming to an end with the reopening of school. The releasal of the timetable made the reality seem even nearer, as if school is reopening not 4 days later but tomorrow. Now, before going back to campus, there's a few things on hand to be settled.


So if nothing goes wrong, tomorrow I will head out and hit the stores for my stationeries and seriously, the only thing I'm looking forward is using new pens when school reopens. And gradually, it will fade away. A new pen becomes just a pen, no more novelty left.

I kinda like the timetable because you know what? My thursdays are free! Free as in no need to go school, get it? However, I'm mentally prepared for circumstances that will take my thurdays away, like the manually fitting of a 2nd CDS. I pray and hope that that will not happen. The other subjects aren't taking up much of the time slot too, so unlike last semester.

And I've got French instead of psychology. The moral of the story is never to fool around when it comes to choosing of your subjects. Only God knows why I chose French in the first place and for a thousand more reasons, I should have put 'Water Tech' in the 2nd choice. I can't envision myself speaking in french and even when I can, it's a comedy-like scene.

Caroline? French? These two belong to two different world. What a clash.

Forget it, the damage is done. It's just a semester and I just have to thicken my skin to learn and speak French. Ha ha ha... How funny.

Oh ya... I've completed my book yesterday's night and it's a pretty good read. The descriptions are so vivid that I could feel the pain of the wound inflicted on Billy by the freak. If the story happens to me in real life, I'll just drop. Too painful. Eee...

For all the right reasons, I'm dreading lab work.

For all the wrong reasons, I'm looking forward to lectures and tutorials.

It's only one semester. Time will just fly by I guess.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

You know what's the best thing 8 year old Shawn had said to me?

"I still remember that you told me $1 is 100 cents. See, I don't have short term memory."

Perhaps most of you people reading doesn't know the meaning that belied these words but for some reasons, my heart smiled when I heard him. It felt as if all those effort the both of us made was paying off. It felt good.

He's begining to realise the importance of study and I hope that he doesn't forget it soon.

I like this kid, even though sometimes I feel like wringing his neck and pulling his ear.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Why do people forget their promises so easily?

Promises must be the most fragile thing on earth.

So easily created yet so hardly fulfilled.

Just like a brittle glass sphere.

When there is a small crack, the whole thing shatters.

And it slips out of our hands so easily, just like how it strayed out of our mind.

When you pluck the courage and finally look down...

What will you see?

Emptiness and of course...

The broken remnants of your heart.

And soul.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Memories that make me smile/laugh

Back in my old school's library, I mistook 'pull' for a 'push' and I help this sec 1 guy to push the glass door cos' it looks like he had a difficulty squeezing himself through the small gap. My friend who was right beside me had this 'How come the door doesn't open?' look on her face. I only noticed my blunder when a librarian inside shouted 'PULL LAH!"

When I was much younger, I used to play pranks on my younger cousin. There was one whereby I tricked him by tying his limbs up with skipping rope after telling him 'See how long you take to untie yourself." In fact, my real intention was to tickle him silly and even till today, I still remember how he squirmed about pleading me to stop.

This is another trick I performed on the same cousin. I bought this Malay snack and there was a really big and whole green chilli that came with it. I shared the doughy snack with him and after we finished, he asked if the green chili could be eaten. Without any significant hesitation, I said yes and turned to do my work. A few seconds later, he emitted a gross-out sound and I turned. Half of the chilli was dangling midway in his mouth and the other half was still on his hand. His face? A disgusted look at the taste of the chili.

That day when I was in sec 2, I unluckily took the faulty stool during lab session and seriously, it was about to break. Being overweight, I dare not apply my full weight and my partner who saw this kept urging me to change. After like 15 minutes, I changed the chair with the absentee's. Then my friend, knowing that the chair will break went on to sit on it despite having a perfectly good chair. Perhaps she think she was very light that she went on the chair, rocking it back and front. My partner and I kept telling her not to do that but she didn't listen. In the end with a sickening crunch and crack, the chair broke and she fell. Heads turn and some even rush to her place to see. She stood up in a haste and began waving to the people, like it was something glorious. Haha...

All right, I'm tired with having to recall everything in detail. Five should be enough although I have much more. =)

Gotta move on to my life.

-*-*-*-*-*-

Just returned from Genting yesterday and really, time practically flew by over there. Genting was relaxing although I reckoned they should not make air-conditioned places smoking areas. This time round, didn't managed to go to the theme park but I had my retail therapy over there. The clothes are cheap with all those offers and discounts. Genting is still a pretty cold place.

Other than the shopping part, I enjoyed the eating part too. The Pizza Hut there offers pizzas so cheap (equal quality) that put Singapore to shame. That's prolly why I ate it twice in the 3D2N. The food there is pretty good and rather cheap. Maybe that's why I daren't go onto the weighing scale right now.

So all in all, Genting was a good place where you just get to slack your days away.

For today, I went to church and I like today's church session. The person sharing was an uncle in his 50s and he's a wacky and dramatic person. I could relate to today's sharing and I think yeah, that's what I gotta do. The day could be better if there isn't any sore throat bugging me. Up till now, I haven't take part in the holy communion yet and I guess I still need more time to get to know God and Jesus better.

Just like nature take its course and as for me, I shan't interfere much with the course of nature.

Monday, October 09, 2006

These Few Days...

These few days, a lot had been going through her overactive mind, dealing with her own worrisome imagination and sorting out messy emotions. So many times, she wanted desperately to turn back time and see if she could change certain things that occured or certain decisions that she had made that sort of navigated her life in a totally different direction. The thought was absurd and she knew it. If everyone gained the ability to turn back time, the jail cells will be very empty and people will drift further apart from the true meaning of cherish. They wouldn't treasure and be contented with what they have, knowing the fact that they could turn back time again and again.

And so, she reached a compromise. She would continue to live life as it is, but now, be more able to discern what's right and what's easy. Life is for a while only and so she decided that she shouldn't just waste it away.

These few days, the choice that she made half year ago fleeted in and out constantly, silently berating her own indecisiveness at this moment, when she knew whatever she do won't change anything. She looked at her friends who chose the different choice and a sense of envy enveloped her hard. She envied their busy schedule when she herself was relaxing at home, she envied their challenging papers she knew she could never attempt and most of all, she envied the competition they faced. Looking back at her own choice and life, she realised that something was missing and that is a thing that only she will know. People told her that soon, her choice won't be able to quench her thirst for deeper knowledge.

However, after giving it some serious thought, she realised she doesn't mind at all. The good points of her choice stood out, prominent like white dots against the dark wall of cons and doubts. If she isn't where she is today, how could she be able to meet the lovely gang of people who, without any doubt, coloured her life? Then, she understood - even if given another chance to choose between the two, she will still choose the current choice.

These few days, she could feel the change in her. She had gotten very easily disgusted and agitated by people's sudden and unsightly actions and the way people dressed. That day, she saw a woman in her late 40s wearing cyan contact lenses and inwardly, she cringed. On her face, her inner disgust was reflected as a frown on her face. She knew she was changing, for the worse. She made judgements of people when she wasn't supposed to, especially when that was a stranger to her. Her tolerance alleviated and her patience wore thin. She was aghast by this drastic change.

Then, she decided that this couldn't go on. So she had a talk with God. This time, she will change into a better person. No more rude remarks or crude humor - she promised herself and God.

These few days, she got very easily moved by songs after a deeper thought to the songs' lyrics. Certain songs touched her heart and made her think of could-have-beens. They reminded her of a recent talk with her friend. Her friend told her that she was expecting too much from others and that she doesn't trust that easily. Even though her friend told her that, she knew that this point of her, she can't change. She can read most people like a book and yet, she doesn't understand herself.

The best thing? Is of course let nature take it own course.

These few days, she began to look forward to time spent alone. Being alone doesn't mean loneliness and being surrounded by people doesn't mean no solitude. Books are becoming her best companions instead of people.

That's why, she's going to treasure her holidays now for personal time for she know that once school starts, she will be going back to the hectic schedule and being surrounded by people.

These few days made me think a lot and now, a lot of stuff had been sorted out, which is undeniably good.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Yesterday, when I went out for a walk at TM for some rare personal time, I came across Dean Koontz's 'Velocity' in Times. The cover (different from what you see above)grabbed my attention and the desire for ownership budded. Yep, it's another thriller cos' I reckon I'd get bored halfway through a romance.

If you don't take this note to the police and get them involved, I will kill a lovely blond schoolteacher. If you do take this note to the police, I will instead kill an elderly woman active in charity work. You have four hours to decide. The choice is yours.

At that moment, I really had to exercise self-control so that I won't just take the book and proceed to the counter, because I've another book which I've yet finished. My pace for that book was really slow, so unlike me. Probably because the plot proceeded in a really slow manner too.

If you're interested, that book is Jodi's "Plain Truth". I'm not saying that it's dull or what but the plot goes really slowly. Not bad a read if you've lots of time to spare.

So back to "Velocity" now. In order to quench the thirst, I went online and checked out Dean Koontz's other books and then I came across "The Husband". Another Thriller yet again.

"What would you do for love? Would you die? Would you kill?"

"We have your wife. You can get her back for two million cash."

Both books by the same author have intriguing storylines. I think I'll be getting one on Monday so that I can bring it on my Genting trip.

But the problem is: Which to get first?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

-Some obligations are so much like responsibilities that they sound almost ludicrous.

-Sacrificing my own time is what I've learn during this stretch of time but why isn't my sacrification appreciated even with a simple 'Thank You'?

-Haven't you noticed the big difference in abilities between the two individuals? So why do you still compare them?

-I'm not someone that fall easily because it's just me. Those words doesn't hurt at all but in turn, u're mocking yourself with your own foolishness.

-Don't try. Don't think. Can but not now.

Monday, October 02, 2006

I've just realised yesterday night that there's only 3 weeks more before the holidays end. The past month passed in a wheeze and this holiday, unlike all those previous one, is filled with a lot of 'activities'. No matter how packed my days are, I will still find time to come online and do those usual stuff. That's me for you~

Yesterday, I finally went back to church after a very long pause. The place was welcoming and nice but at some points of time, I doubted Him. I doubted everything He had done for me and this family which I know I shouldn't. So many 'Whys' hovering in my head and so many unanswered.

When I said this, I not saying that my belief had waned off or what. I still believe in Him. It's just that at this point of life, I'm like in a cross junction not knowing which way I should choose so that everything will turn out fine. I'm human so I can't please everyone. Like the typical me, I solve problems on my own instead of turning to others.

For now, I think I'll just continue to show faith for one day the light will come and everything will be clear.

I want school to start soon so I can get back to those notes again. I missed them, haha... Although I'm thinking so, I know that once school starts I'll be grumbling about those inhumanely large workload and long for the holidays again. I forgot what I've been doing in the last semester. I'm not talking about the contents cos' they are very well still stored in my memory.

I'm talking about the process.

And this is implying something. Next sem, no more fooling around and belittling schoolwork. I'll will put in more effort cos' now, there's a challenge for me. I love challenges.

Many times these days, I've this urge to smash my handphone that had been ringing away. Those people don't know when to stop calling! I know what I've to do so stop calling to 'remind'. It irritates me a great deal and I never like talking on the phone cos' it hurts my ear. This sucks.

And whatever I do, don't ask. I very well know what I'm doing. This is my life and I don't have to explain for every single thing I did for it's not illegal or whatsoever.

I'M NOT A PEOPLE-PLEASER!

Anyway, I've promised myself this one single thing: No matter what happened, I will never allow myself to be disappointed in life.

Ciao.

People turn to you when they have troubles. But who do you turn to when you have problems?